Akatsuki Fundraising
by Tigers and Dragons
Summary: Because collecting tailed beasts and sealing them in a large statue for some crazy guy bent on world domination is not a lucrative business scheme. Drabble Fics.
1. Scheme 1

**Standard Disclaimer**

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><p><strong>Fundraising Idea #1<strong>

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><p>Inoichi grunted as he set down another crate of new stock. He prised off the lid and the wonderful aroma of cut flowers pervaded the air.<p>

"Wow! These flowers are beautiful!" Ino exclaimed, hovering over the case. She inhaled deeply, "And they smell wonderful."

"Yes, we have a new supplier. His prices are good and the stock is excellent." Inoichi replied, quite pleased with the venture.

"Where do they come from?" Ino asked, lifting out a single rose and admiring it in the light.

"Somewhere in the Rain country."

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><p>"Where's Zetsu?"<p>

"Greenhouse."

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><p><strong>Zetsu's Plant Nursery and Wholesale Flowers: Success<strong>


	2. Scheme 2

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #2**

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><p><em>Click<em>

_Click_

_Click_

_Click_

_Click_

_Click_

_Click_

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Who is the professional here? Hold still."

_Click_

"It just seems like a lot of noise for one piercing."

_Click_

"One?"

"Yes, I asked for ARGH!"

"Hey, I told you not to move. Hold still!"

"AYIYIYIYIYI!"

"Oh, that's, ooh, um, yeah, might need some ice for that. No, really, it looks fine."

"What have you done?"

"Alright, go look in the mirror."

"I asked for ONE! ONE Piercing! Uno! Ein! Un! Una! One!"

"Yes, you asked for ten, I gave you ten. What's the problem?"

"ONE!"

"Look, I've done my job. The fee is two thousand."

"I'm not paying that! And I demand you remove them!"

"Well, alright then. But the removal fee is five hundred a piece, and that's on top of what you already owe. And I must say, you're pretty stupid for asking for ten just to have them removed."

"I want to see the manager!"

"Well, he isn't available right now. Kakuzu, take over please."

"You owe ten thousand. The fee is non-negotiable."

"What?"

"Pay up or die."

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Piercing Studio: Fail<strong>


	3. Scheme 3

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #3**

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><p>The door banged open and Pein stood, silhouetted in the doorway.<p>

"STOP!"

In an instant, all activity halted as everyone on the floor turned to look at the leader.

"Has anyone seen Konan?"

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Recycled Paper Plant: Fail<strong>


	4. Scheme 4

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #4**

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><p>Akatsuchi presented the box to the Tsuchikage. Onoki nodded, indicating that it be opened.<p>

Once the packaging had been cleared away, Akatsuchi held up the contents.

It was an elaborate sculpture of a large bird of prey, wings spread as if in flight, carrying a small, strange tailed creature in its claws.

Everyone exclaimed over the workmanship, commenting on the intricacy, the detail.

Onoki grumbled something derogatory under his breath, but otherwise admitted that it was, indeed, a masterpiece. Then he ordered it placed on a shelf in his office.

Business continued as usual.

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><p>Two days later, on the road overlooking the Village Hidden in the Rocks, a young man with blonde hair hanging over one blue eye, raised the brim of his hat to scan the towers.<p>

"Three, two one."

There was the distant roar of an explosion and a dark cloud of smoke exited a window high up on the tallest tower. Sirens began blaring and he could just make out the shadows of ninjas racing across the rooftops.

"There's some Bang for your bucks, old man." The man chuckled as he turned and walked away.

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><p>The next evening, there was a knock on the door.<p>

"Deidara, we've received a complaint." The stern voice of the leader came through the wood. In the distance he could hear Kakuzu yelling about a no-refund policy.

Deidara laughed.

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Mail-Order Sculptures: Fail. <strong>


	5. Scheme 5

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #5**

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><p>A siren wailed, breaking the quiet of the night, as two figures, clad head-to-toe in black, ran along the wall of a castle. They raced along, cackling and whooping, heavy bags strapped to their backs.<p>

The guards spilled out of the doors and windows, chasing after the fleeing men as they reached their mark and somersaulted onto the roof below them. The tiles broke beneath their feet as they landed, and they took off for the gate. There was a shriek of laughter as a few less-balanced guards fell from the roof.

"Hurry the fuck up!" The taller one called as his partner paused to unwrap a small package in his hand.

"I'm coming, yeah!" He yelled back, taking off just as another group of guards ran along the shingles.

He caught up to his partner in crime just as he shouted, "This is fucking exciting!"

There was a massive explosion that sent roof tiles and dust flying in all directions. The guards ran through the dust cloud only to fall through a massive hole in the roof.

Shouts rang out behind them, alerting the men on the gate, and they hurried to close it and prevent the escape.

"Oi, Blondie! Get the fucking gate!"

The two men disappeared into the shadow of the wall, temporarily, then another huge explosion tore through the gate, and they ran through, the spoils of their adventure safely secured and successfully stolen.

* * *

><p>'<em>Daimyo Loses Jewels!<em>' was the headline on Itachi's newspaper the following morning. He lowered it to look across the room, where Hidan and Deidara were lounging at the table, looking very smug. Kakuzu was sitting opposite them, examining a large, flawless diamond, with a number of other gems resting on the table in front of him.

"I hope none of that is traceable." He called.

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Jewel Thieves: Success<strong>

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><p><strong>My thanks to <em>NoOneXIII<em>, whose review inspired me. Plus, I figured it was about time they had a success, right?  
><strong>


	6. Scheme 6

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #6**

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><p>"It was two men, you say?"<p>

"Yes, two men. They were heard yelling as they ran across the roof." The Daimyo's chancellor replied.

"And they took the Daimyo's collection of flawless jewels?"

The chancellor nodded vigorously, "The most flawless, beautiful diamonds, rubies and emeralds in the land!"

"Were any of them mounted?"

"Oh, no." The chancellor shook his head, "They only took the loose gems. None of the jewellery was touched."

"Is there a description or likeness of the men?"

The investigator was handed two sheets of white paper. Each featured a sketch of a thief, complete with facial mask and black attire. He sighed.

The chancellor fidgeted, explaining, "No one came close enough to see details."

"Physical appearance?"

"Around average, one was shorter with a slimmer build. Nothing remarkable."

"That's all?"

The chancellor looked at him with uncertainty. "Yes."

"Very well." The investigator folded the sheets in half, slipped them into his notebook and flipped the notebook closed, before tucking it into his cloak. "I'll see what I can do."

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><p>"Nothing remarkable?" Deidara raged at Itachi's notebook, "That's an insult, yeah!"<p>

Hidan snatched the pad from him, "Are they trying to say I'm fat? Is that what they're fucking saying?"

Itachi ignored Kisame's laughter as he showed Kakuzu the two sketches, and removed his notebook from Hidan's grip. "You were chosen because your outward appearance_ is_ unremarkable." He said simply.

Kisame burst into fresh laughter as the other two turned their glares on Itachi.

Once again he ignored them.

"Kakuzu, give me the name of your fence."

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><p>"You found them! Oh, you found them!" The Daimyo all but fell on his jewels, then began dancing around the room with them as servants followed after him, picking up the ones that fell.<p>

"Where were they?" The chancellor asked.

"They'd been fenced in a town two hundred leagues from here. The shop owner stated that two men, matching your scant description, brought the jewels in last week."

"Guards!" The Daimyo yelled. "Find and arrest the pawn shop owner who bought my precious jewels from those despicable men!"

"But sire…" The chancellor tried to reason, "He will be outside your jurisdiction. And the investigator is waiting."

The Daimyo grimaced, still intent on having his revenge and annoyed that he had to follow procedure. He waved his hand at Itachi and his chancellor, signalling that the reward be brought forward and presented.

"For services rendered." He intoned, with all the pomp he could muster, while still cradling his returned jewels.

Itachi accepted the payment, bowed slightly and left, thinking, _Good luck trying to find that pawnshop. Hidan and Deidara have never been in a pawn shop in their lives._

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Detective Agency: Success<strong>


	7. Scheme 7

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #7**

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><p>"Will you just tell him already, yeah!"<p>

"Fuck off! I'm busy." Hidan grumbled, turning away from the blond bomber and attempting to ignore him.

"No, you're not. You're stalling!"

Hidan glared over his shoulder at the younger man. Said younger man's eyes widened and he grinned.

"You're afraid of him!" He laughed, "You, the psychotic worshipper of death, are afraid of your own partner!"

Hidan whirled round and clamped his hand over Deidara's mouth before his laughter could catch Kisame's attention. The last thing he needed right now was the shark man's teasing.

"Do you have any idea how disturbing it is to even talk to Kakuzu about money?" He growled, sickened by the very thought of the old man's obsession.

Deidara shook him off, "Have you ever gone on a mission with Tobi? No? Then you have no idea what 'disturbing' means, yeah!"

Hidan looked amused and Deidara growled, holding up the mission scroll. Hidan's eyes narrowed.

"You've got the damn thing! Why the fuck don't you give it to him?"

"Stop your whining." Konan yelled from the end of the corridor, "Complete your mission."

Hidan snarled, knocking Deidara aside and grabbing the scroll. He marched down the hallway and squared his shoulders, before raising his hand and knocking on Kakuzu's door.

"Oi, you money-grubbing bastard. Someone's missed a payment."

He then jumped back, flattening himself against the opposite wall as Kakuzu exploded from his room, tentacles flailing all around, weird eyes glowing with maniacal intensity.

"Where are they?"

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Debt Recovery: Success<strong>


	8. Scheme 8

**Author's Note: This one is a little more mature. Not so much that the rating need to be changed; it's just talk. But this is me, giving you fair warning.**

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #8<strong>

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><p>"Come on. It should be easy for you!" Kisame cajoled.<p>

"I'm not interested." Deidara stated firmly, walking away from the shark man.

But Kisame was determined, and he followed after the younger man; deciding to try a new tactic.

"So, it's true."

Deidara stopped and looked up at him, "What is?"

"You haven't reached puberty yet."

Deidara's mouth fell open, but he rallied quickly. "It has nothing to do with that."

"Then what does it have to do with?" Kisame asked with a grin. "Do you swing the other way? Because we can accommodate that."

"That's not it at all!" Deidara shot down the idea vehemently.

"Really?"

"I don't need to defend myself to you." He stated angrily, "I have morals, you know."

"So, let me get this straight. Your morals preclude you from selling your body for sex so we can eat this month, but it's quite alright to defect from your village, join a criminal organisation and blow things and people up, often killing them in gruesome ways?"

Deidara thought about it for a moment.

"Yep, that's right, yeah."

"Hmm," Kisame looked down at him thoughtfully, "Maybe we should have Kakuzu open you up and see if your system is working."

"That freak is not touching me!" Deidara yelled, before he raced out of the room.

* * *

><p>"Why are you asking me this?"<p>

"A good-looking young man like you, at your age," Kakuzu reasoned, "You shouldn't need this much convincing."

Itachi's eyebrows raised. "I refused Orochimaru."

"Oh, so that's what happened." Kakuzu mused, while Itachi glared at him for interrupting.

"If you're that desperate for the monetary reward, why do you, yourself, not perform the act?"

Hidan, who had walked in the tail end of the conversation but had heard their earlier plans, immediately burst into laughter.

"We'd have to pay the clients!" He cackled.

Sparing his partner an annoyed glance, Kakuzu agreed, "That would defeat the purpose of the exercise."

"I refuse." Itachi stated calmly.

Deidara dashed into the room, still being harassed by Kisame.

"But you're nineteen! Sex should be all you think about!"

"Give it up." Hidan laughed, "You won't get paying customers for those two."

"I'll have you know," Deidara huffed, "that the ladies are very attracted to me!"

"Deidara, shut your mouth before you dig a bigger hole." Itachi ordered, which only incited Deidara further.

"Shut up Itachi! I don't need your permission to talk, yeah!" Deidara then turned on the older men, freaks each one of them, who were trying to whore him out.

"Now listen here, I will not put myself out as a prostitute, escort or gigolo! Got it, yeah?"

"That's good." Hidan chuckled, "Because the ladies like experienced boy toys. You'd have more success in a dress."

"Shut your face!" Deidara yelled, going red in the face from anger.

Hidan continued talking, "I, on the other hand, would perform this task quite admirably. So why wasn't I offered the mission?"

"We've already gone through this, zombie boy." Kisame grimaced, "Other than the fact that we haven't found any necrophiliacs in the area…"

Hidan growled but Kakuzu continued over the top of him.

"You cannot sell your body for sex if you continue to kill your clients as soon as you reach climax."

"Why not?" Hidan, to everyone's surprise, seemed genuinely confused at this point. "I'm satisfied. Jashin's satisfied. We get to keep all of their money and possessions instead of just the fee." He looked around the room, "Plus, Zetsu can use the body for fertiliser."

There was silence for a few seconds, during which Itachi and Deidara stared at him in shock, Kisame looked on with pity and Kakuzu seemed to be contemplating the idea.

Then the voice of reason stepped into the room.

"That industry relies on repeat customers, which you won't have if you kill them." Pein announced, "And once word gets out, you won't have first timers either."

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><p><strong>Akatsuki Escorts: Fail<strong>


	9. Scheme 9

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #9**

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><p>KNOCK KNOCK<p>

"Come in."

An orange mask peeked around the door, calling an exuberant greeting, "Hello, Mr Leader, sir!"

"Tobi, take a seat."

Tobi ventured into the dark room. He could just make out the silhouette of Pein seated behind a large desk. He approached carefully, so as not to injure himself in the dark, and sat down.

"You wanted to see me, Mr Leader, sir?"

"Yes." The leader's voice was slightly different from usual, but Tobi shrugged it off.

"You know of our, uh, financial difficulties of late?"

"Yes, Mr Leader, sir."

"Yeah, ahem. Yes, well. Unfortunately, we're being forced to downsize the organisation. We're going to have to let you go."

"Let me go where, Mr Leader, sir?" Tobi asked, turning his head, quizzically, to the side.

"Out of Akatsuki, ye-mmm."

The leader coughed.

"You won't be working for us anymore." He said, "But don't worry, we found you a new job. Someone will be here to collect you later."

"Oh. But Mr Leader, sir. I really like working with Deidara Senpai! I don't want to leave!" Tobi cried, "Can't I stay and just not take any money?"

"No, because we still have to feed you." The leader said shortly. "You have to leave."

Tobi sat back in his chair, despairing. Then he stood up and started walking towards the door when there was another knock and it opened, revealing Zetsu in the doorway. He flicked the light switch, illuminating the room.

"Good bye Mr Zetsu. I have to leave now."

"Good riddance." Black Zetsu muttered, words that were echoed from the other side of the room.

"Where are you going, Tobi?" White Zetsu asked, curiously.

"Mr Leader said I've been downsized and I have to go even though I don't want to and I haven't shrunk."

"But Pein isn't here."

Tobi turned around to look at the desk to find Deidara hiding behind a cardboard cut out shaped like Pein, and throwing glares at Zetsu.

"Damn you Zetsu, yeah! He was almost gone! And I had buyers coming to pick him up any minute now."

"Oh, you mean the dwarf and the bearded lady?" White Zetsu asked.

"The dwarf is tough but the lady was quite succulent." Black Zetsu stated.

Deidara grimaced, feeling sick to his stomach. The feeling only intensified when Tobi bounded across the room and threw his arms around him.

"Oh, Senpai, that was a great joke! You almost got me!"

* * *

><p><strong>Selling Tobi to a travelling Freak Show: Fail<strong>


	10. Scheme 10

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #10**

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><p>"Hidan, hurry up. These rituals of yours take far too long." Kakuzu growled, scanning the area around the battle zone, while Hidan lay on the ground, in his circle, making blood angels.<p>

"Fuck off. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it right. Jashin demands it."

"You are an idiot, yeah!"

Hidan propped himself up on his elbows as the other members of Akatsuki entered the newly enlarged clearing.

"Tobi, bring the bucket."

"Yes, Mr Zetsu, sir." Tobi scurried across the ground, swinging a small lidded bucket from one hand. He reached the deceased body of Hidan's latest opponent and knelt down. "Uh, Mr Zetsu, I don't have any ice, sir."

"Kisame!" Kakuzu hollered.

"Alright, alright!" Came Kisame's yelled reply, from a distance. There was a muffled thump and a thin wail that was cut off abruptly, then Kisame stalked through the trees and across the clearing. "What do you want now?"

"Ice?" Tobi asked tremulously, holding out his bucket.

Kisame's eyebrows shot up.

"What do I look like? A snowman? I don't make ice! You made me finish up my first battle in a very long time, just so you could stupidly ask me to make ice? Do you know how often Itachi lets me fight? Do you?" Kisame stood threateningly over the cowering, masked man. When no answer was forthcoming, Kisame turned and stormed away, still muttering.

"We're wasting time. The organs won't stay fresh for much longer." Zetsu said ominously.

The plant man crouched down beside the body and inspected the wounds. Then he stood up and walked over to Kakuzu. The two talked quietly for a moment, then in more heated tones. Kakuzu's eyes narrowed, Zetsu replied quietly once more and Kakuzu growled.

His left hand shot out and gripped Hidan's throat, raising him off the stake he'd impaled himself on to end the ritual and suspended him in the air. Hidan was yelling and hurling abuse, but Kakuzu was in no mood for him, squeezing until all noise was gone.

"We told you." He growled. "We all told you! Several times! Do NOT puncture the internal organs!"

Deidara grinned, Tobi quivered and Zetsu watched patiently as Hidan's legs swung in the air, his hands wrapped around Kakuzu's semi-detached wrist in an effort to pry him off.

"You psychotic, religious arsehole! You've completely ruined them AGAIN!"

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><p><strong>Selling Hidan's sacrificial victim's organs on the black market: Fail!<strong>


	11. Scheme 11

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #11**

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><p>There was a lot of noise coming from the kitchen. Bowls and wooden spoons clattered together, metal trays banged against each other; there was the occasional curse, a low coaxing voice and the ding of a timer.<p>

In another room, Itachi and Deidara were tied to chairs, determined not to look at each other or the people in front of them.

"Come on! If Hidan's willing to take Tobi's cooking lessons, you guys could at least dress the part!" Kisame cajoled, while Kakuzu put the finishing touches on their outfits.

He held them up in triumph and both bound men paled and began struggling.

Their answer was unanimous: Hell No!

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><p><strong>Trying to make Itachi and Deidara sell biscuits while dressed as Girl Guides: Fail<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Well, they tried, Quiet Harmony-chan.<br>**


	12. Scheme 12

**Akatsuki Fundraising Committee Meeting**

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><p>Pein sat in the meeting room, waiting.<p>

The door opened and the members of his organisation entered quietly, arranging themselves around the table. Kakuzu was the first to take a seat followed by Kisame, three down from him on the left and Zetsu on the opposite side of the table.

Hidan took his seat opposite the Leader, his usual seat because he felt it best represented his opposition to the Leader's ethics and mission in life. The fact that he had to drag a chair around to the end of the table to sit there, every single time, did not faze him. Pein's emotionless façade cracked as his eyebrow twitched but, as usual, Hidan ignored it.

Deidara, without looking at anyone, walked quickly around the table and sat between Zetsu and Pein. This was unusual as he would usually sit near Hidan, sulking that the Leader had denied him a chance to blow something up. More unusual was that Itachi swept into the room, walked passed Kisame and sat himself next to Pein and Deidara. That Deidara did little more than grimace at his vicinity, was evidence that something had gone very, very wrong.

Pein cleared his throat to begin but was interrupted, before he could start, by the entrance of Tobi. He was carrying a number of boxes with highly decorative red clouds on them and puffing. Everyone watched in surprise as Hidan stood up and moved out of the way, helping Tobi place the boxes on the table and arrange them neatly.

"What is this?" Pein asked, once he'd recovered from his shock.

"The results of the latest money making scheme." Konan announced as she walked into the room with a folder of paperwork opened in front of her. She also had a black package under one arm and a glasses case in her other hand. She sat next to Pein, opposite Itachi and handed the Uchiha the case. The package was placed on the table, and did not spontaneously combust, though Deidara was glaring at it viciously. The folder was laid before the Leader for his perusal.

Pein opened his mouth to ask what was in the boxes when Tobi opened one and the smell of baked goods filled the room. Deidara's glare moved from the package to the boxes, Zetsu hummed appreciatively, Kakuzu crossed his arms, Kisame looked sheepish and Hidan smirked in triumph and pride.

Taking in all the varied reactions, Pein turned to Itachi who was trying out the glasses and looking everywhere in the room except at the other people.

"Itachi?"

"Yes?"

"What happened yesterday?"

"OI! Why're you asking him?" Hidan hollered from the other end of the table, annoyed that his triumph was being interrupted and/or ignored.

"Aw, Hidan, don't be mad! Have a biscuit!" Tobi said, holding a box up in front of him and waving it around.

"You aren't actually going to eat those, are you?" Kisame asked, with a worried grin.

"What's wrong with them?" Hidan demanded angrily.

"You cooked them." Kakuzu replied gruffly.

As Hidan went off on one of his rants, Konan leaned over and quietly asked, "If you suspected they were inedible, why would you sell them?"

"The box reads, "There will be no refund for death or illness resulting from the consumption of the contents." Kakuzu answered, holding up a box and pointing to the print.

Konan leaned closer, asked Itachi for his glasses, leaned in further, then sat back and conceded, "So it does."

This small exchange only spurred Hidan on and his rant reached new heights of vulgarity and affront.

"Someone explain to me what happened." Pein called over the cacophony.

"Tobi gave Hidan a cooking lesson, the result of which is on the table." White Zetsu stated calmly.

"And there's absolutely nothing wrong with them." Hidan proclaimed, taking a large bite out one of the biscuits. Everyone watched him for the next minute, but when it became obvious that they were not rid of him yet, their attention turned back to Zetsu who continued the commentary.

"The idea was to sell the biscuits to…"

"…**unsuspecting…"**

"…members of the public."

"What do you mean, "unsuspecting"?" Hidan demanded, speaking through another biscuit he'd shoved into his mouth. Konan looked away in disgust.

"And this failed, because?" Pein queried.

"Because of this." Konan said, reaching for the package. As one, Itachi and Deidara leaned forward and shouted "Don't open it!"

"How dare you! Those are masterpieces!" Kakuzu growled.

"I'll make them masterpieces!" Deidara snarled back, moving to stand up. Itachi placed a calming hand on his arm and, though he shook it off, Deidara returned to his seat.

"What are "they"?" Pein asked, growing frustrated.

"Pretty little dresses for the pretty little girls." Hidan sneered, before taking another biscuit and turning to Tobi, "These really are quite good!"

It was a good thing he'd turned because, had he caught Itachi's glare, he would have been experiencing great pain without any of his usual benefits. (That is, no sacrifice, no pleasing Jashin, no satisfaction…)

While their attention was focussed elsewhere, Konan unwrapped the package and pulled out the uniforms Kakuzu had created. Pein eyed them critically before shooting a glance at the two youngest men in the room, who had recoiled in disgust. He turned to Kakuzu.

"You realise that those outfits are inappropriate for individuals employed by this organization."

Itachi and Deidara glared at him.

"Not to mention completely unsuitable for their personalities and gender."

Kakuzu remained unrepentant, but attention was drawn away from him, and the two currently sending mental death threats his way, when Kisame stood up, snatched the box of biscuits away from Hidan and held them above his head.

"Stop eating them!" He ordered, "You're making me sick!"

Hidan's look of confusion changed to malicious glee as he shoved the biscuit in his hand into his mouth and chewed it with his mouth open.

"Tobi made sure that Hidan added no new ingredients." Tobi announced happily, his legs swinging from his chair. (Though how he managed this when his feet could quite easily touch the floor was beyond comprehension) "The biscuits are completely safe for human consumption."

Hidan crossed his arms, sitting back in his seat with a look of smug satisfaction on his face, still chewing the last of the biscuit.

"As are the cakes, slices, loaves and sponge rolls."

Hidan's grin disappeared and he turned on the orange masked man and whispered threateningly, "You promised not to tell anyone!"

"But Mr Zetsu already knew." Tobi said, not at all concerned that painful death was sitting just around the corner of the table. "And he said the only way Mr Kakuzu was going to get out of trouble because of the dresses was if we offered them to Mr Leader."

Zetsu inclined his head to Tobi who was currently being glared at by Kakuzu. Then he turned on Hidan, with something akin to incandescent rage.

"You made more food! You bought more ingredients! YOU USED MORE MONEY!"

It took quite a while to calm things down but Konan finally managed it and, once all attention was on her, she turned to Pein to call judgement.

"All baked goods are confiscated." He announced, sending a meaningful look at Hidan who was reaching for another box. "That means no more snacking on them. They are to be sold and the money is to be turned over to Kakuzu."

"Where it rightfully belongs." Kakuzu muttered, though he was somewhat mollified.

"Kakuzu, it is not your money. It belongs to the organization."

Kisame raised his hand.

"Yes, Kisame? You have a question?"

"Are you sure that's a wise idea? Selling stuff that Hidan made, to the general populace?" He continued ignoring Hidan's shout of outrage and Tobi's assurances that the food was perfectly edible. "I mean, the only reason he hasn't died yet is because he's technically a zombie, and therefore mostly dead. Not to mention criminally insane."

"Kisame, insanity does not protect one from poison." Pein stated, rubbing his forehead as if he had a headache, "Also one cannot be mostly dead."

"Zombie boy here demonstrates otherwise." Kisame disagreed.

"Besides," Konan spoke up, brandishing one of the biscuit boxes, "As Kakuzu has already pointed out, we won't be liable if anyone does die from eating them."

"All in agreement?" Pein looked around the table. Kakuzu raised his hand in the hopes they could recoup their losses, and Zetsu raised his hand because he had no objections and no opinion on most of the meeting's agenda. Tobi was waving his arm in the air to show his enthusiasm and had raised Hidan's arm as well, though he was still sulking because his biscuits had been taken away. Itachi whispered a quick question to Pein who shook his head. He turned to Deidara and the two nodded and raised their hands as well.

All eyes were now on Kisame, though the majority of the group had agreed. Kisame was still holding out, since the food was from dubious origins, but he grudgingly gave in.

"Then, by unanimous vote, we will be holding a bake sale. Dismissed."

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #12<strong>

* * *

><p>The following morning, the sky cleared and a stall appeared on the clean streets of Amegakure. As the townsfolk stepped hesitantly into the sunshine, they beheld a wonder of greater magnitude than the sunlight dancing on the wet surfaces.<p>

Tobi must have spent all night building the stall. Either that or he was surprised with it in the morning and some merchant, somewhere, was missing their stall. The banner overhead read: "Red Dawn Cakes" and Tobi sat behind a wide array and assortment of cakes, slices, loaves and biscuits.

Business was pretty slow to begin with, but all of a sudden there were people coming from all directions, exclaiming over the designs and buying food.

And it had nothing to do with the presence of Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan and Zetsu on the street corners of the village, directing traffic.

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Bake Sale: Success<strong>


	13. Scheme 13

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #13**

* * *

><p>Itachi grimaced.<p>

This day had started out with such promise, but now, he was sure it was going to crash and burn. He could not believe that Kisame would press this on him. It was almost worse than the whole "sell biscuits dressed as a girl" caper they tried to pull last week.

Hadn't they learned from that?

"Apparently not." He sighed as he pulled on the hat and adjusted his cloak. It was not his usual cloak, nor his usual hat. It was, in fact, a turban, made of black sequined material with a large red (fake) diadem attached to the front. It even had feathers. The cloak was worse: made of some velvety fabric, it covered him from shoulder to foot and it was hotter than an all black jumpsuit in the middle of the desert.

"Hurry up, Itachi! The stall's finished."

"Kisame, you have five seconds to remove yourself."

"Oh, don't be like that. Look, if you just sit there for a couple of hours, I'll bring you some dango."

Without uttering another word, Itachi swept out to the front of the stall and took his seat behind the rickety old table with a glass ball. He took a deep breath, steadying himself and thinking about the reward at the end of the day, when Hidan began bawling.

"Step right up! See the Great Swami! Have your fortunes read: only two hundred ryo."

_Think of the dango!_

* * *

><p>Having garnered enough attention to keep the customers rolling in, Hidan and the other members of the Akatsuki took up seats behind a curtain to watch the show.<p>

In other words, they were there to heckle.

* * *

><p>A shy young girl stepped forward, timidly presenting her palm to be read. Itachi looked her over before leaning forward.<p>

"I see a blond, young man with blue eyes." He said quietly, knowing that behind the curtain, everyone was glaring at Deidara for asking Itachi to set him up with girls.

The girl gasped, a red flush colouring her face as Itachi continued, "But beware the earth in the sky. Your lucky colour is orange."

The girl looked confused for a moment, then she was called away by her team mates. Itachi watched her go with a secretive smirk that could not be seen by the men behind the curtain.

"Oi, Itachi?" Hidan whispered, "You got some deal with Blondie back here that we should know about?"

There were muffled yells, which were cut off quite quickly when Zetsu leaned over Deidara. Itachi shook his head, but an idea had come to him.

* * *

><p>The next customer walked in, a young woman who presented herself with confidence. She was just the type favoured by a certain man who was currently watching.<p>

"Avoid the triangle within the circle. It will bring your doom."

"Oh, thank you."

As the girl left, a series of laughs and sniggers could be heard. Hidan was sulking.

* * *

><p>Another customer, this one a woman from an obviously wealthy family.<p>

"The beating of many hearts will herald the need to relinquish your money. Be generous and you may survive."

* * *

><p>"Your lucky number is two and your lucky colours are black, white and green. Keep plenty of meat on hand."<p>

* * *

><p>"Do not give sweets to the masked man. No matter how much he whines."<p>

* * *

><p>"Obey the man with piercings."<p>

* * *

><p>"The walls have eyes and ears. Look after the wallpaper."<p>

* * *

><p>"Beware the clouds, for they bring terror and biscuits."<p>

* * *

><p>"Do not mix blue and fish."<p>

* * *

><p>It was late in the afternoon when things started to go down hill.<p>

"The rain makes the plants grow. Make sure you have watered them."

Kisame pulled the curtain back and stepped through as the last customer left. "Now, you're just being silly."

Itachi turned to look at him and Kisame helped him stand up. "Alright, go through to the back, have a sit down and I'll get you some dango."

He handed the Great Swami over to Tobi and left the tent, as the rest of the men began to dismantle the front display.

"Hey! Hey look! That kid looks like Itachi! Hey, Itachi? I thought you killed all of your family?" Deidara turned to look into the tent, but couldn't see anyone, "Itachi?"

"Looks like he missed one." Hidan sniggered. "Blind bastard."

* * *

><p>Back at the base, Kakuzu was greeted by Konan.<p>

"Takings?"

"We were quite successful. I've already been approached for future bookings."

Kakuzu looked around in confusion as Konan appeared to be frozen in time and all the colour was leached out of the world. Two red, glowing eyes appeared as the money in his hands spontaneously caught fire and turned to ash.

"Kakuzu?"

He blinked, "I've declined. Too much exposure will ruin the set up."

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Fun Fair Fortune Telling: Success (But it's a one time deal.)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, this chapter is for Oh So ShIny who wanted to see the Sharingan and fortune-telling. It's probably not exactly what you thought, but I've never seen or heard of that theory, it doesn't make sense to me and I think this is funnier anyway. Also to Blu Rose, I hope this meets your expectations. I apologize to any Swamis in the audience.<strong>


	14. Scheme 14

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #14**

* * *

><p>"Hey, we're out of food again!" Hidan yelled from the kitchen.<p>

"Then why don't you make some?" Kisame called back. Next to him, Deidara sniggered and gave him a high five.

"Oh, ha fucking ha!" Hidan said as he entered the room, "There's nothing left to cook with!"

As he approached them, Kisame stood up, blocking Hidan's view of the table and Deidara quickly packed everything up.

"Looks like we'll have to raise some money then." Kisame answered. "Any ideas?"

"Yeah, what are you two doing?"

"Nothing." Deidara replied, as he slipped out of the room, carefully concealing whatever they'd been working on.

"Ooh! Tobi would like to sell sweets to children!" Tobi announced as he bounced up from his "bad behaviour" corner.

Kisame and Hidan looked at him, then turned back to each other and continued talking.

"No, really! Tobi wants to open a sweets shop!"

"That's not recommended." Itachi stated, entering the room to make sure that any future fundraising scheme did not involve him.

"But why not, Mr Itachi?"

"Tobi, do you remember Sasori's puppet show?" Kisame asked him gently.

"Oh yes, Mr Zetsu allowed Tobi to watch it with the children."

"How nice of him." Hidan remarked sarcastically.

"And do you remember what happened to those children?" Kisame asked Tobi, after directing a grin at Hidan for his comment.

Tobi shook his head.

"Five children were crushed in the stampede to leave the theatre, four more were tortured during the performance by other members of the audience, six children are currently in state care being treated for deep-seated emotional trauma and paranoia inspired by the show and Sasori killed two as a finale."

"Didn't he turn them into puppets?" Hidan queried, having not been part of the organization at the time.

"Yes, and he used them to extort more money from their parents." Kakuzu answered, joining the conversation from his seat across the room, where he was pouring over the accounts. "Now, he was a masterful fundraiser! Good times!"

"That's disturbing!" Hidan murmured, receiving nods of agreement from the other sane people in the room.

"It was such a pity they didn't allow him to perform the show a second time." Kakuzu mused.

"Excuse me, Mr Kakuzu?"

"Yes, what is it, Tobi?"

"Mr Kakuzu, could I have money for a sweet shop if I promised to have that affect on the children?"

While Kakuzu was mulling over the idea, Kisame, Hidan and Itachi all lunged at the masked troublemaker and hauled him out of the room.

* * *

><p><strong>In retrospect, Sasori's Puppet Theatre: Success?<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I'm not sure. Was it a success? What do you think? <strong>

**Apologies to anyone who thinks this is too dark. **

**And Happy Birthday to Sasori, you maniacal, heartless puppet!**

**Extra Note: This chapter was inspired by Quiet Harmony-chan.  
><strong>


	15. Scheme 15

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #15**

* * *

><p>Tobi stood behind the counter, wiping a cloth across its surface. He hummed as he wiped, enjoying the quiet solitude of the shop.<p>

His own sweet shop!

He stopped and looked around the store; taking in the numerous glass shelves laden down with every type of sweet imaginable. He sighed with happiness, and reached into the jar to his left; removing a hard-boiled sweet and sneaking it into his mouth.

His mask seemed to shine a little brighter.

He resumed his wiping, noticing a small smear on the counter and rubbing hard at it. Satisfied that he'd eradicated the blemish, he put his cloth away and began straightening the displays, eating the occasional sweet as he made his way around the shop.

His mask was positively gleaming now.

The door opened, with the little brass bell jingling, and a small girl entered. She looked around, a mask of wonder and delight on her face.

Behind his own mask, Tobi's eye narrowed.

He watched the little girl suspiciously, as she wandered through the shop; clearing his throat when she moved to touch a display and stepping toward the counter when she tried to walk passed it.

"Can I help you?" He asked sternly.

"May I have a piece of fudge?" The girl asked politely, standing on her tiptoes and gripping the edge of the counter to hold herself up.

Tobi grunted, walking over to the cabinet that held the fudge. He grabbed a piece, without asking which flavour she wanted, and stuffed it into a bag. He walked back over to the counter and held it out to the girl, begrudgingly. She let go of the glass to take the bag, but Tobi withdrew his hand before she could reach it.

He seemed to be staring at the edge. The little girl, sensing some change in the atmosphere of the shop, took a step back, staring up at the masked face of the man in front of her. His eye hole seemed to be a swirling mass of black and red.

"Look what you did to my counter!"

The girl shrank back further, looking about her in terror as some unseen force seemed to be whipping around the shop. Before her, a transparent body was coalescing into a horrendous visage.

She fell back as the Susanoo fully developed and slammed its fists down on either side of her fragile body, glass shelving shattering from the impact.

"FINGERPRINTS!" Tobi yelled, his Susanoo roaring with him as the little girl began screaming.

* * *

><p>"FINGERPRINTS!"<p>

Kisame, Hidan and Deidara looked up from their seats at the table, where they were playing poker, towards Tobi who was tied up in his "bad-behaviour" corner. He was muttering unintelligible noises, giggling and, finally, released a loud sigh of contentment.

"That was fucking weird." Hidan said, turning back to his hand of cards.

"You have no idea, yeah. Try working with it."

"I know what you mean." Kisame sympathised.

* * *

><p><strong>Tobi's Sweet Shop: Fail!<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: This idea came from Jinso-kun. Maybe not exactly what you were thinking, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Surprising that I've reached fifteen schemes, don't you think?<br>**


	16. Scheme 16

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #16**

* * *

><p>It was a bright and sunny day, for once, and the citizens of Amegakure were relaxing in the pleasant weather (thanks to a flyer that was sent around informing the general populace that there would be a holiday).<p>

People gathered in the park, where children ran to play on the play equipment, which was, surprisingly, not wet anymore. It wasn't long before everyone had joined in and a picnic lunch had started.

No one was quite sure when he popped up, or from where, but the funny man in the swirly, orange mask, took up his position under a tree, which had suddenly bloomed even though it was early autumn, and began making balloon animals.

And for the children of Amegakure, who had never seen balloon animals before, they thought nothing of the fact that most of them had more than one tail.

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Tailed Balloon Animals: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: This one is for Quiet Harmony-chan who wanted something innocent after Tobi went rank in his sweet shop.<strong>

**Extra Note: For those of you who liked this, I'm glad, but please don't expect more unless you're going to give me ideas. Trying to write innocent is really difficult for me! For those who pretended to like this, don't worry. I'm sure you'll like the next one much more.  
><strong>


	17. Scheme 17

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #17**

* * *

><p>Kakuzu was not a patient man.<p>

Correction: unless you paid him a lot of money, Kakuzu was not a patient man.

And since he was currently waiting to leave for a mission, he had not been paid a lot of money. And his patience was wearing thin.

"Where is that fanatic idiot?" He growled.

Ten minutes later, Kakuzu stormed into the base to search for his errant partner but was greeted by Kisame and Deidara. His mood immediately lightened at the sight of the bundles of cash they were waving around.

* * *

><p>Hidan was both a sadist and a masochist. However, his masochist tendencies were in direct relation to his sadistic tendencies. They really didn't work separately.<p>

So when he found himself waking up strapped to a cold, metal table, with a bright light shining overhead and several figures in surgical gear hovering around him, he realised that his masochistic side was about to get a work out and he wasn't going to enjoy it.

* * *

><p><strong>Selling Hidan to Medical Students: Success<strong>


	18. Scheme 18

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #18**

* * *

><p>There was a notice posted on the door of every member's room. It had appeared overnight, and had large, bold print to catch their attention. Just in case they missed it when they left their rooms, it also sent out streamers that wrapped around their heads and brought them back level with the original note.<p>

The notice read:

_In the interests of organization unity and peace, the following activities are now banned from the list of fundraising activities:_

_Selling of other members for __experimentation, __dissection or reward  
><em>

_Hiring out of other members without their expressed permission_

_Theft of personal items for sale and/or auction_

_Use of other members' personal possessions or person to aid in business pursuits (Zetsu, Konan is NOT fertiliser. Do that again and you'll get more than just a paper cut.)_

_Signed,_

_The Management (i.e. Pein)_

* * *

><p>"I E big scary guy with too many bodies and piercings!" Deidara grumbled as Kisame came towards him, waving the notice.<p>

"Did you see?"

"Yeah, I saw. There goes that idea, yeah."

"What idea?" Itachi asked, holding a mug of coffee and calmly ignoring Tobi who was flailing around with streamers tied to his head.

"We were going to hire Hidan out for a children's party." Kisame explained. "As a version of pin the tail on the donkey."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "What were you going to call it?"

"Stab the moron with a kunai, yeah." Deidara smirked.

"I wasn't aware that Hidan had left his room." Itachi said, sipping his coffee.

"No, he's still sulking because we got one over on him." Kisame replied.

"And he's too stupid to think up one for us." Deidara added, waving Tobi away as he made a muffled attempt to call for help.

"I'm sure you feel very protected now." Itachi stated, gesturing towards the notice in Kisame's hand.

Kisame and Deidara grinned at each other.

"Let's go rub his face in it!"

As they disappeared down the hallway, Itachi entered his room and Tobi fell to the floor, still struggling with the streamers around his head.

* * *

><p>"<strong>Stab the moron with a kunai": Fail (Damn you, management)<strong>


	19. Scheme 19

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #19**

* * *

><p>"Excuse me, Miss Konan, Ma'am?"<p>

Konan paused as Tobi approached her, "Yes, Tobi, what is it?"

"I was wondering, Miss Konan, if I could maybe, have some money to start a sweet shop?"

Konan eyed him in exasperation, "Don't tell me you're still on about that?"

Though she couldn't see it, Konan was getting the distinct impression that Tobi was either pouting or giving her puppy-dog eyes. Perhaps it would have had more effect if he'd removed his mask.

"Tobi, I'm sorry. The vote was unanimous. You aren't allowed anywhere near a sweet shop, let alone opening one."

"Please, Miss Konan?

"No, Tobi."

Konan turned away from the masked man and everything went black.

* * *

><p>Sunlight filtering through foliage and the smell of greenery woke Konan. She was unsure how much time had passed but she quickly recognized Zetsu's greenhouse. She checked her surroundings, surprised to find herself held by a number of vines.<p>

"Zetsu?" She yelled.

"Oh, Mr Zetsu, sir? Miss Konan has woken up!"

"Tobi! What have you done?" Konan growled as she caught sight of the orange swirl.

"Tobi was a good boy." White Zetsu stated as the plant man came into view.

"**I'll need you to dissolve now."**

"What are you going to do?" Konan asked, feeling quite threatened as Zetsu approached.

"Mr Zetsu is working on a new formula for fertiliser." Tobi piped up.

Konan paled.

"Ribbons of paper make good mulch." White Zetsu explained.

"**Goes with the blood and bone leftovers."**

Konan's face went green.

"It was very nice of Hidan to give that to you, Mr Zetsu!" Tobi added in happily.

Zetsu turned and nodded. In the split second when his attention was not focused on her, Konan created a paper blade and cut through him, straight down the middle. Her body dissolved into streamers of paper that fled into the air and coalesced next to the door. The door opened and Pein appeared.

"This is getting out of hand." He said to her. She nodded her agreement, before slipping passed him. Pein turned back to the two (three?) people and gave them a warning look.

"You two are on probation."

* * *

><p><strong>Using Konan as fertiliser: Fail.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: And this is the reason behind the notice in the last chapter. That and the fact that Hidan had to be "rescued" from the dissection table. This idea was inspired by Blu Rose.<br>**


	20. Scheme 20

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #20**

* * *

><p>"Are you sure about this?" The simpering blond girl twirled her hair around her fingers, "I heard there are sharks around here."<p>

"Don't worry about it!" The cocky, beach-bronzed young stud replied, taking off his shirt to show of his (un)impressive six pack. "We'll see them coming."

He dove into the water, leaving the girl alone in the little boat, bobbing on the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. She chewed on her lower lip as she leaned over the rail to look for the guy. He burst out of the water in front of her and she fell back, startled. She threw a bottle at him as he swam away laughing.

* * *

><p>Neither of them noticed they were being watched. Nor did they hear the dark chuckle as a tall figure slipped beneath the waves.<p>

* * *

><p>The boy had managed to convince the girl to enter the water and they were splashing each other playfully, before moving closer and becoming more intimate.<p>

Then the girl pulled back, "Something just brushed passed my leg."

"What?" The boy looked beneath the surface but could see nothing. "There's nothing there."

"But my leg's starting to sting." She said, "Help me into the boat."

As she left the water, a thin trail of blood running down her leg and dispersing on the waves, she screamed, "Why the hell am I bleeding?"

"CUT!"

On a nearby boat, the camera crew stopped filming as the director turned to a figure in black.

"You said he was harmless! She's not supposed to be bleeding."

The figure shrugged his shoulders, retaining his calm from behind a pair of mirrored sunglasses.

"Where is he?"

The figure shrugged again.

"Divers! Get in the water! Find that imbecile who made my star bleed!"

Suddenly there was a great gush of water and the boat with the two young starlets went flying. The water's surface was broken by a dozen fins as the sharks went into a feeding frenzy instigated by the blood in the water.

Everyone watched in shock and horror as a monstrous creature with blue skin, sharp teeth and gills erupted from the frenzy and began yelling.

"Don't worry, Itachi! I got it all under control!"

The figure in black on the boat shot a condescending look at the director, as if to say, "And you doubted me."

* * *

><p><strong>Hiring Kisame out as a shark monster for a horror film: Not quite as planned.<strong>

**Yeah, we might have to revisit this one.**


	21. Scheme 21

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #21**

* * *

><p>"Kazekage, sir. You have mail."<p>

Gaara accepted the letters from his aide and began leafing through them. A large, plain envelope fell from the stack onto his desk, catching his attention. His name was printed in carefully constructed letters, as if the writer was trying to hide their identity, and where there was usually a stamp in the corner, someone had pasted a red cloud.

Growing increasingly suspicious, Gaara used his sand to open the envelope, ready to construct a barrier if it proved to be dangerous. The contents fell out onto the desk, one lone sheet of paper and a dozen photographs.

A dangerous glint entered Gaara's eyes as he stared at those photos. He stood from the desk and stormed out of the room, calling for Kankuro and the council of Elders.

* * *

><p>"Where the hell is Deidara?" Konan yelled, storming through the building, a single sheet of paper clenched in one fist. The only answers she received were uninterested shrugs, though Kisame felt a twinge of unease, so he followed Konan on her rampage.<p>

The door to Deidara's room slammed open, illuminating the angry Konan in the doorway.

"You blond idiot! Now, we're at war with Suna!"

"We're a criminal organization." Deidara replied, a satisfied smirk on his face, "We're at war with everyone."

"But we don't start the battles, you moron!"

* * *

><p>Down at the gate to the city, Tobi was playing sentry, just like his Senpai had asked. There was a loud noise outside and he peered over the parapet.<p>

"Hello, Mr Sasori, sir!" He called, waving happily, "Did you want your ring back?"

* * *

><p><strong>Blackmailing the Kazekage: Fail!<strong>


	22. Scheme 22

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #22**

* * *

><p>"Alright. Let's try this again. Is everybody ready?"<p>

"Yes Sir, Mr Kakuzu, Sir."

"Shut up, Tobi, un."

"So, we're moving in before the guy dies and Hidan gets that happy look on his face?" Kisame smirked as he nudged Deidara, who grinned maliciously.

"That's the plan."

"Let's embrace the pain, TOGETHER!"

"NOW!"

Hidan stopped in shock as the Akatsuki converged on his sacrificial victim. The spike he'd meant to impale himself with momentarily, slipped from his fingers, striking his foot and going unnoticed as he watched his (HIS!) kill be knocked out by Kakuzu's semi-detached hand.

"Oi! You money-grubbing bastard! That was mine!"

"Someone get him out of his circle before his brain starts working." Kakuzu muttered as Zetsu began the extraction process.

"It's my fucking fight, you fucked up fuck!" Hidan shouted hoarsely, "Keep your fuckin' hands and Zetsu's fuckin' vines out of my fuckin'…"

Further exclamations of rage were cut off as Deidara had two small swallows dive-bomb the irate Jashinist, creating a cloud of dust and debris, and effectively destroying his circle.

* * *

><p><strong>Sell organs on the Black market: Success<strong>

* * *

><p>As the cloud cleared away, they could all hear Hidan's coughing, spluttering and swearing, though his body was in several pieces and his head was mostly detached from his neck.<p>

"Oh, great. Now I have to put him back together." Kakuzu groaned. "This is coming out of your pay, you dense bomber."

"While he's helpless, perhaps we could…" Zetsu murmured, having finished the harvest and moved to stand beside Kakuzu.

"No. He's difficult enough to deal with when he's _all_ there."

"Yes, but he only needs one kidney." Zetsu replied.

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed with malicious glee and the two men moved in on Hidan's torso. Zetsu made the first cut as they both ignored his gibbering.

"Oh no, not again."

* * *

><p><strong>Side-plan: Sell Hidan's organs on the Black Market: Success<strong>


	23. Scheme 23

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #23**

* * *

><p>KNOCK KNOCK<p>

"Yes?"

"Hello sir, would you like to buy some home insurance, yeah?"

"Uh, no thank you."

* * *

><p><em>Be more aggressive, Damn it!<em>

* * *

><p>THUD THUD<p>

"What?"

"Buy some fucking insurance!"

"NO!"

* * *

><p><em>Be more passive aggressive.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Tap tap tap<em>

"Yes?"

"Good morning, Sir. I'm here to deliver your home insurance package. Please sign here."

"Oh, well, what does it cover?"

"Everything from theft to natural disasters, like fire or flooding."

"We're in the desert. Those two aren't really a concern out here."

"Perhaps, Sir. But it would be terrible if, through some freak occurrence, you lost everything and were not covered."

"Maybe, but… what's that smell."

"I believe next door is on fire."

"What? Wait, where did the house across the street go?"

"It was washed away by a tidal wave that came out of nowhere, about five minutes ago."

"Do you have a pen?"

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Home Insurance: Success<strong>


	24. Scheme 24

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #24**

* * *

><p>"Good morning, welcome to Akatsuki Insurance. How can I help you?"<p>

"I need to make a claim on my insurance. My house has been destroyed."

"That's terrible sir, what happened?"

"A massive tree uprooted it."

"A bit lax on the gardening, were we?"

"I don't appreciate your humour! It grew out of the foundations, over night!"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir! However, your policy doesn't cover rampant vegetation."

"What! Let me see!"

"It covers theft and natural disasters, such as fires or flooding. It does not cover you if you don't keep an eye on your plants."

"I'm not paying for this any more! My house has been destroyed! What's the point of insurance that doesn't cover you when you need it?"

"Would you like to break your contract, sir?"

"I most certainly would!"

"Very well, then. When can we expect your payment?"

"What payment? Don't you understand? I'm not giving you a dime!"

"Sir, the breaking of your contract requires a lump sum payment of 40000 ryu, plus the administrative fee for removing you from our books."

"I'm not paying that! And you can't make me!"

Enter Kakuzu.

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"Oh…"

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Home Insurance: Still successful.<strong>


	25. Scheme 25

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #25**

* * *

><p><em>Dear SirMadam,_

_We are writing to you today to offer you the secrets to financial security and success. As you can understand, these tips and hints are much sought after and must be carefully guarded. However, we are willing to share these secrets with you, and only you, because we feel that you share our ambitions and drive for success. _

_Therefore, we are extending a helping hand. All you have to do is tick the box marked "yes" on the enclosed sheet and mail it back to us, using our return address, along with 200¥. Once we have received your payment, we will dispatch the secrets to financial security and success, so that you may also join the ranks of the financial elite._

* * *

><p>"This is awesome! Hey, Sai, do you have 200¥ I can borrow?"<p>

* * *

><p>At the local Post Office in Amegakure, Kisame held out the sack as Itachi opened one of the Akatsuki's unofficial boxes. Envelopes exploded out of the box, tumbling to the floor as the sack began to fill.<p>

"There are so many gullible people in the world." Itachi murmured, collecting the fallen letters and depositing them in the bag.

"Yes, and it wouldn't be right to let them keep their money." Kisame grinned.

* * *

><p><strong>Mail-In Con Job: Success <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Many thanks to all of those who have made suggestions. Keep them coming.<br>**


	26. Scheme 26

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #26**

* * *

><p>Kakuzu was missing again.<p>

No one else had noticed, but ever since those rank bastards had sold him as an experimental corpse for med students to dissect, Hidan was sensitive about these things.

He couldn't find his money-grubbing, arsehole of a partner, and he was beginning to panic.

* * *

><p>Kakuzu slipped into the base, as quietly and unobtrusively as possible. He didn't need anyone knowing that he'd been out for something aside from missions. And he intended to keep the money he'd made to himself. He saw no reason to add it to the organization's coffers. Those idiots would just use it to buy more ingredients or stalls or rope! The very thought of some of their half-witted ideas was making his blood boil.<p>

Zetsu's plant sales were a different matter entirely. Anyone who'd seen Zetsu in his greenhouses could tell he was running way below budget. He was even using Kisame to water the plants. No, the plant man was off the hook.

But those other morons, stealing Kakuzu's money and wasting it on such trivial attempts; well, he was not letting them grab hold of his personal stash.

He opened the door to his room and his eyes narrowed.

Hidan was asleep on his bed.

Being scared of their colleagues was no excuse for invading personal space. Touching was way across the line.

But Kakuzu was calm, level-headed and shrewd.

He grinned diabolically.

* * *

><p>Hidan woke up to a torrent of feminine giggles. Soft hands ran over his body and he tensed, looking around him in a panic.<p>

A bevy of beautiful, young, scantily-clad women smiled down at him, allaying his fears somewhat at finding himself pawned off once more. At least they weren't looking to carve him up.

They giggled amongst themselves, tittering about him being awake, and so handsome, so strong, so fit. He relaxed, starting to enjoy himself.

Until he tried to touch one of the ladies' tempting curves and found himself restrained. It wasn't anything as crass as hand cuffs. In fact it felt like silk. He tugged on it.

Steel reinforced silk!

"What the fuck?"

"Uh, uh… no swearing." They giggled as one pert, bold little vixen straddled him. She flexed a hunting crop between her hands and smirked down at him maliciously.

"Oh, shit!"

"What did I just say!" Her face hardened, though the mirth increased and she brought the whip down across his face.

Still smiling, the other ladies followed her lead and Hidan found himself being struck over and over again.

"KAKUZU!"

* * *

><p><strong>Renting Hidan out as demonstrative doll for the local school of Dominatrix: Success<strong>


	27. Scheme 27

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #27**

* * *

><p>Kakuzu looked around the room. He was standing on a lowered floor, below a circular balcony, looking up at the rest of the Akatsuki.<p>

He'd never been in this room before, nor did he remember authorizing the construction of it. It sort of reminded him of the cavern where the statue with the sealed beasts was entombed. He hoped he wasn't standing over the top of it.

He looked down at his hands, the chakra suppressant hand cuffs clinking as he shifted his position. They'd surprised him with them. Like they surprised him with the barren cell that he'd woken up in, instead of his Hidan-free room.

Above him, a gavel sounded and the rest of his "colleagues" quietened as the leader began speaking.

"Kakuzu, you disobeyed the rules of this organisation." Pein stated in his most displeased voice.

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed as Pein continued with a formal list of charges. The seriousness of the occasion was marred by the various activities of those who were present.

When Pein read out the charge of abduction of a colleague, Kisame hooted, "More like interference with a corpse!"

When Pein read out the charge of deception of a client, Deidara called, "Hidan's guilty of that too, yeah!"

Hidan sat sullenly, glaring at Kakuzu and trying to avoid looking at Konan. She found this to be extremely entertaining and was making it difficult for him to ignore her by flinging paper missiles at him. Then she had to muffle her giggles when he'd turn his glare on her and then flinch at the sight of a female.

Rounding out the tomfoolery was Tobi and Zetsu. The plant man appeared to be suffering from indigestion and from Tobi's concerned questions, Kakuzu gathered that it was caused by bad specimens from one of the scientific institutes in the Sound country.

Itachi didn't seem to be following the proceedings; Kakuzu admired his resolve. Unfortunately for Pein, the only sensible person at the hearing was 'resting his eyes'.

"And so it has been decided." Pein finished.

Everyone turned to look at Pein, "What has?"

He glared at all of them, before imperiously declaring, "Kakuzu will serve his sentence in isolation. Take him away."

* * *

><p>Far underneath Amegakure, on a subterrainean basement level, Kakuzu was escorted along a corridor to a sound proof door. He was led inside the room and strapped into a chair.<p>

From his vast experience, this was a rather comfortable chair, one that could sustain many hours of sitting, were it not for the harness fitted around his head, waist, wrists and ankles.

He barely flinched as a needle was inserted into his arm and a mental stimulant was introduced to his system. He could feel the effects begin after a few minutes and that's when they revealed the true nature of his punishment.

The wall in front of him was lined by digital screens. As each screen was switched on, a camera feed from a random location began playing. The camera had been placed in marketplaces throughout the known world, and he was forced to watch as the people spent money.

They bought trivial items and the essentials. They used cash or they used credit. They bought large things for a lot of money or small things for less.

And below the screens, was a digital counter, with the numbers flicking through showing the total amount of money spent.

His eyes darted all over the wall and within minutes he was muttering.

"That was overpriced."

"Could have bought it cheaper."

"You didn't need that!"

"The stall behind you had it for less!"

"Buy in bulk! You'll save money!"

He couldn't look away. He couldn't shut his eyes. And the counter continued to climb.

The door was shut, leaving him alone with the world's consumerism.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, back in the conference room, Zetsu unloaded his troublesome meal all over the floor.<p>

"I don't know what that was, but I am not cleaning it up, yeah."

* * *

><p><strong>Hiring Zetsu out as a biological waste disposal unit: fail<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: This one is for sandydragon, who hated to see Kakuzu always coming out on top.<br>**


	28. Scheme 28

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #28**

* * *

><p>Once more Itachi had donned his mirrored sunglasses to represent his partner is business negotiations. The man in front of him seemed to be on the verge of agreeing.<p>

"We've already put a lot on the line for this. Just allowing him into the enclosure is a serious breach of health and safety." He said, steepling his fingers as he surveyed the silent figure in front of him. "It's not like we just let people waltz in there."

Itachi said nothing.

"Don't misunderstand me." The man continued, "We would love for him to be successful. It would be quite the coup for us."

Itachi's head moved slightly.

"It's just that, no one has ever been able to do what he said he would." The man stated, standing from his desk and crossing to the window where he pulled away the blinds. He stared out into the arena for a few minutes before turning back to Itachi.

"Even you have to agree, he hasn't been overly successful so far."

* * *

><p>Kisame stood on a floating platform, in the middle of a shark tank, with a hoop in his hand.<p>

"Come on! Jump through!"

* * *

><p><strong>Hiring Kisame out as a shark trainer at an AquariumTheme Park: Unsuccessful… so far**

**Author's Note: Another one for sandydragon, who has reviewed EVERY chapter, and offered up this idea a while ago.  
><strong>


	29. Scheme 29

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #29**

* * *

><p>"I don't believe it."<p>

"It's amazing!"

"He could do better."

Kisame shot his partner a glare before turning back to his performers. Two sharks were swimming lazily around the tank, each one passing through a series of connected rings that Kisame was manipulating. "That's right. Sharks are very intelligent creatures but they have never been trained to perform before now."

"If you call that performing." Itachi muttered.

"You want to step out here and try it, Itachi?" Kisame snarled, "Is that what you want?"

Itachi rolled his eyes, a gesture lost on everyone as it was hidden by the still present sunglasses, and turned and walked away.

"You have to admit, though; it won't be a very interesting show from above." One of the aquarium workers pointed out. "Maybe if the audience was watching from below…"

"But come on!" Another trainer interrupted, "They're just going through some hoops. That's not interesting enough for a crowd."

"What are you saying?" Kisame growled, still manoeuvring the hoops through the water as the sharks continued to swim through them.

"There's no showmanship. No flashy acrobatics. No pizzazz."

"What to you want them to do?" The first trainer asked, "Jump out of the water like a dolphin? You know that sharks don't do that."

The second trainer shrugged and stepped up to the tank. "All I'm saying is, this isn't enough for a show."

Kisame's eyes narrowed and an evil grin spread across his face as both trainers stared down at his animal performers.

"Perhaps this is more to your liking?"

The two men looked up in confusion as Kisame clicked his fingers. Both sharks suddenly rose from the water, mouths gaping wide; their many rows of sharp, serrated teeth on display as they lunged at the doubters. The two men fell back in shock, narrowly avoiding slipping into the pool where they would have undoubtedly ended up as lunch.

* * *

><p><strong>Training sharks for an aquarium performance: Success<strong>


	30. Scheme 30

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #30**

* * *

><p>Kisame pulled himself out of the pool and shook his head, spraying water everywhere.<p>

"You need a haircut." A monotonous voice said above him and he shot Itachi a 'like you can talk' glare, before taking a seat on the edge of the pool. Relations between the two men had soured over this venture, with Itachi making snide comments at every opportunity, and Kisame rapidly losing his patience and stewing in his impotent anger. He wasn't stupid enough to go up against the younger man but that didn't mean he had to put up with every little barb thrown his way.

"You deign to grace us with your presence, oh great swami!" He sneered, as one of his trained sharks swam passed his legs.

Itachi chose to ignore the nickname, and resisted the urge to kick the older man back into the pool. The atmosphere in this place was killing his eyes as it was; he didn't want to risk having water on his face as well.

Instead, he held up an envelope.

"What's that?"

"It's from the director of that movie. The one with the sharks? You remember him."

Kisame's eyes narrowed, "What does he want?"

"Seems he's heard about your success here and he's willing to take you back."

"Well, tell him to go screw himself." Kisame replied grumpily.

Itachi waved a second sheet of paper in his face. "We have orders. If we leave now, we'll be back in time for your next show."

"Fine." He finally grunted, "But Samehada requires a feed afterwards."

Itachi sighed and turned away, "We can stop by Sound on our way back."

* * *

><p><strong>Acquiring a callback: Successful.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I told you we'd come back to this.<br>**


	31. Scheme 31

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #31**

* * *

><p>"It wasn't my fault, that's all I'm saying." Kisame grumbled as he stormed into the base. Itachi caught the door as it swung back toward him and grunted.<p>

"They're sharks for crying out loud! Just because I can get them to do a few tricks, doesn't mean that they're tame!"

"Perhaps if you hadn't been swimming with them…" Itachi murmured.

Kisame stopped and turned an exasperated look on his partner, "I'm a trained professional…"

"I doubt that." Itachi muttered.

"My point is," Kisame continued over the interruption, "People go into enclosures with lions and tigers."

"And bears?"

"Huh?"

Itachi shook his head and waved the disgruntled "shark trainer" on.

"Spectators know that the trainers are safe, that the beasts are trained. You don't have people trying to pat _them, _do you?"

"What happened?" Asked Konan as she emerged from her office to greet them.

Kisame muttered something in a dark tone and stalked away.

Itachi reached out his right hand and grabbed the empty left sleeve of his jacket. He waved the limp material for a moment before letting it drop.

"Oh." Konan sighed, "The aquarium's responsible for that, right?"

* * *

><p><strong>Training performing sharks for an aquarium tourism spectacular: Fail.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, this is the last we'll see of the Shark Trainer. Thanks again to sandydragon for the idea and y-in-flame, my ever faithful assistant. There seems to be some confusion concerning the events in this chapter. Itachi has NOT lost his arm. He is simply miming what has occurred with a rather stupid spectator of Kisame's water show. Those of you familiar with the anime should know that Itachi has, on occasion, tucked one arm inside his Akatsuki cloak. This was a reference to that. I had originally wanted him flailing around, pretending to have blood gushing from a stump but that is not in his character, so as amusing as that would have been, it did not make the final cut.<strong>


	32. Scheme 32

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #32**

* * *

><p>Konan looked up the door to her office slammed open as if kicked, swinging back to hit the wall with a bang. A large crate was dropped on her desk and she slid backwards until she could see who had entered.<p>

Kakuzu stood in front her, arms folded, "Sell these."

Having delivered his package and message, he turned to leave.

The doorway filled in with paper before he reached it.

"What are they?" Konan asked, cautiously fingering the lid of the crate.

With a grunt of annoyance, Kakuzu walked back over and ripped the lid off, revealing the contents of the crate, dozens of neatly constructed, hand made, cloth dolls. Konan glanced over at him but he'd reverted to a defensive stance, arms crossed again and refusing to look at her.

She pulled one out, holding it up to inspect it. Her inner little girl was squealing over how adorable it was. Her mature mind was wondering one thing. She glanced back into the box and a second question was raised. After rummaging a little she had a third query and she turned to Kakuzu, three of the dolls in her arms.

"Care to explain?"

He sent her a sidelong glance and sniffed. "I would have thought it was self-explanatory."

Konan looked down at the three dolls she was holding. They all wore matching black dresses, with little red clouds painstakingly picked out with white thread. One had black hair and red eyes, another was blonde with blue eyes and the third had blue hair and orange eyes.

"Fine, but let's get them out of here before the boys see them."

* * *

><p>"I'm going to kill that bastard, yeah!"<p>

"Deidara-senpai, don't press your face into the toy shop window. You'll scare the little girls inside."

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Doll Manufacture: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: It was remiss of me to not include a dedication. Although many have recommended this idea, I would like to thank KiyumiArashi in particular.<br>**


	33. Scheme 33

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #33**

* * *

><p>"Oh Miss Konan!"<p>

"Shut up, fool."

Konan turned to find Hidan knocking Tobi into a wall. "What is it now?"

"Can you turn into this?" Tobi asked, bounding up and waving a sheet of paper, completely unfazed by his collision with the wall. Hidan looked around in confusion for a second before cautiously approaching and snatching the paper away from his masked accomplice.

Konan stared at it. "Why?"

Hidan grinned, "You'll see."

* * *

><p>The door shut with a click and the Daimyo crossed his chamber, his long robe hanging open and dragging along the floor. He paused at a sudden noise, like a choked sound of disgust, but shrugged it off. He was alone in his personal chambers, with an army of guards keeping him protected. There was no one in here.<p>

He stood over his most prized possession, his flawless jewel collection. Withdrawing a key from his person, he unlocked the case and opened the lid. The lights around the room refracted through the jewels, casting sprays of coloured light across the room.

His brows furrowed, turning. He could have sworn he heard someone gasp. Not seeing anyone, he turned back to gaze in rapture at his beautiful gems. He counted through them, as he had done every night and every morning since he'd been so cruelly separated from them, and with one last reluctant look, closed the case and retired for the night.

"Finally."

A figure in black stepped from behind a curtain as a second person materialised from the wall.

"You almost blew it, you oaf." The smaller figure hissed.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist." The first replied. "On with the show."

"What are you going to do?"

His grin split the shadows and Konan shuddered, "Why am I doing this again?"

* * *

><p>Trapped in the thralls of a pleasant dream, the Daimyo was difficult to rouse. Losing patience with the whole stupid idea, Konan sent a sharp slip of paper directly at the snoring man's nose. He woke up, rubbing his nose as he sat up.<p>

"What's going on?"

At the end of his bed, shrouded in shadows and darkness, an unholy vision hovered. Huge black wings framed the lithe body of the demonic presence, eyes glowing red and menacing.

"I am the Angel of Death! You have been greedy and foul. Jashin has judged your selfishness an aberration. You shall die!" A deep voice rang out over him, striking him to his very soul.

"No, please! I want to live! I don't want to die!" He pleaded, on his knees, hands grasped together in front of him as he shuffled down the bed. "Don't kill me!"

"It is too late! Lord Jashin has spoken!"

"Please! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" The Angel paused, the voice becoming higher, gentler, "Renounce thy evil ways and deliver up the fruits of your greed!"

"What?"

The Angel seemed to spasm before it grew more menacing. "The fucking jewels, you shit for brains!"

Once more the Angel wavered, "Give up the jewels, that which you hold most dear."

"Of course! Anything!" The Daimyo bowed his head, "I will give them away!"

"Not just to anyone." The Angel cautioned, "It must be to a worthy cause."

"Who is worthy? It is so difficult to tell these days."

"The downtrodden and helpless." The Angel lectured. It wobbled once more before continuing, "But to be more specific, the Orphans of the Red Clouds."

"Of course." The Daimyo nodded in agreement, not noticing as the angel faded into the shadows and disappeared.

* * *

><p>Itachi opened his paper the next morning and read the headlines.<p>

"Daimyo Donates Jewels! Angel of Death Protecting Orphans."

* * *

><p><strong>"Angel of Death" Hoax: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: This is another of KiyumiArashi's brilliant suggestions.<br>**


	34. Scheme 34

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #34**

* * *

><p>It was a carnival tent, no doubt about it, but the design was not intended to draw just anyone inside. The canvas was a disturbing mixture of black, gold and red, featuring macabre images of skulls and knives and other iconic pieces. Sputtering torches lined the path to the entrance which was framed by two skeletons. One knelt in the classic position of prayer, a spike impaling the skull through the jaw; the other impaled through the chest as it reclined back, one hand raised as if to wipe its brow.<p>

A crowd of curious young people had gathered, waiting for the tent to open. Each one was marked by ink, pierced and weighed down by chains. Their clothes were black, studded and slashed. Their hair hung in uneven waves, covering and obscuring parts of their faces.

Drawn in by the grotesque spectacle that was the tent, they swarmed in when it opened before them, the darkened interior beckoning them inside. A wicked laugh rose from the shadows as they filed in before a stage and another two torches spluttered to life.

"You have been called." A dark voice began as the last of the crowd entered the tent. "You are chosen, a powerful offering to the Lord Jashin, to revel in his dark glory."

The silver haired man who took the stage seemed to have stepped from the darkness itself. There was a crash of lightning and someone whimpered as the man stepped into a dark circle on the floor. His teeth gleamed in his dark face, the white skull etched there glowing starkly in the dancing light of the flames.

The heat in the tent was oppressive; there wasn't room to move and the power emanating from him was enthralling.

He lofted a metal spike, sending a leering grin out to them before plunging it into his leg with a groan of ecstasy. From outside came a shrill scream of pain. The crowd shifted, half overwhelmed by the atmosphere, the other half longing for more.

"Jashin demands your service!" Hidan murmured, the pleasure of the pain and the excitement of his audience giving him an almighty high. "Deliver him a worthy sacrifice!"

The crowd pushed forward, crying out in eagerness to fulfill his demand. He smiled down at them, readying himself for the grand finale; the massacre he would inspire, when he realized something was not right.

His eyes widened as the stage beneath him shuddered and groaned, the wood warping and straining against each other. He stared at his feet in confusion then relief as the movement stopped. Then before his eyes, black liquid flooded up, covering his feet in increasing swells and washing his circle away. With a cry of rage, he turned to confront his saboteurs only to have the stage buck once more and the curtain fell in front of him, shielding him from the audience's view.

He was dragged backwards by two large forms, his markings fading as his ritual was completely disrupted. His screams of outrage threatened to drown out what was happening back in the tent.

"Congratulations, you now belong to the cult of Jashin. Here's your stamp." Tobi said happily, inking up a press-on stamp of a triangle within a circle and haphazardly pressing it into people's hands.

Deidara held open the tent flap and pointed to a basket next to him, "As you won't be needing them in the future, please leave all valuables in the basket on your way out, yeah."

* * *

><p><strong>Recruiting for a death cult: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: This idea came from TheGirlWithNoIQ, thanks muchly.<br>**


	35. Scheme 35

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #35**

* * *

><p>"Has anyone seen Hidan?"<p>

Konan growled as her question was met by shrugs and shaking heads. It was ridiculous that she spent most of her time trying to track these cretins down. With a few whips of paper, she had the rest of the crew on their feet and, grudgingly, out looking for the demented cleric.

* * *

><p><em>There's no one to stop me this time. I have it all under control.<em> Hidan thought to himself as he entered the cavern where his glorious number of recruits had gathered. _Tonight is the night_.

He looked out on a sea of fervent faces; eager to please, wanting to serve. There was only one greater thrill then completing his ritual in combat, completing the ritual en masse.

Before him on a table stood a cup of willing offerings, filled to the brim with the dark blood of his unknowing sacrifices, its salty tang pervading the air and enriching his senses. He stirred it with his finger, careful not to spill a drop outside the circle ready drawn at his feet.

The crowd in front of him shifted slightly, drawing closer, anticipation running through their veins.

"The time has come!" He shouted, the echoes reverberating around the cave, "Tonight, we feast with Jashin!"

A cry went up around the crowd, the roar deafening in the enclosed space. In one gulp, he drained the cup, even to the dregs. A thrill swept through his audience as the black and white markings appeared on his face and bare torso. He yelled in delight at the connection he could feel to each of those watching him. His yell was echoed by the crowd, as he raised a metal spike in both hands.

* * *

><p>"I think he's down here."<p>

* * *

><p>"Tonight, my friends, we end our pitiful, worthless existence, and enter Jashin's realm."<p>

His speech reached its pinnacle, Hidan brought the spike crashing down, impaling his chest with an exclamation of excitement and a groan of delight.

As one, the gathered youths shrieked, clutching their chests as they fell to their knees.

Wanting more, Hidan withdrew the spike, plunging it into his stomach with a grunt, then panting as the pleasure of fifty peoples' pain coursed through his body. His followers fell to the floor; some gasping in pain, others already in shock.

There was a new cry from behind him and a swarm of paper swirled around him and attempted to drag him from his circle.

"It's too late!" He laughed, power surging through him as more of his cultists surrendered their lives to the pain. "They're all mine!"

"Idiot."

The smile that had adorned his face vanished with the arrival of his heretic partner.

"Get out! Get the fuck out! They're mine! You can't fucking have them!"

"What's the matter, zombie boy? Can't enjoy it with an audience?" Kisame laughed harshly, standing over Hidan's paper-shrouded form as Kakuzu stepped down among the wilting bodies of his sacrifices.

"If that's all it takes, we shouldn't ever leave him alone." Kakuzu called back, as he crouched and began looting the bodies.

"But who could stand him twenty-four seven, yeah?" Deidara asked as he followed Kakuzu out onto the floor. He grimaced as one of the cultists moaned at his feet, kicking the poor sod away from him with a grunt.

"Hey!" Hidan yelled, more because of the disrespect than because he disliked the pain. He was immobile though, struggling against the paper prison.

"Oh, I'm sorry, didn't you feel that?" Deidara laughed harshly, searching for another cultist who was still breathing and slamming his foot down on their chest.

"Deidara, stop that." Konan commanded as Hidan swooned. "Well, this is a mess. Alright everyone, gather up their valuables and anything we can sell."

"What is taking Zetsu so long?" Kisame murmured, looking back up the tunnel toward the surface.

"You defile a holy fucking sacrifice!" Hidan screamed, writhing within the paper as Konan tried once more to break the curse. "I'll kill you all!"

"Someone shut him up!" Kakuzu called from the other end of the cavern.

Kisame knelt over him, smirking evilly," I think he's mad. Look, he's foaming at the mouth."

Hidan was apoplectic, curses spilling from his mouth as he wrenched and twisted, fighting his way out of the paper. Konan was yelling out orders but her words went unheard under Hidan's rage. Kisame stood up, still smirking as he punched the psychotic priest in the face, effectively cutting off his outcry and causing unconsciousness to descend on the last of the cultists.

Then, as Hidan struggled semi-upright to glare at him, he tutted, "Bad dog" and unleashed a wave of water that swept Hidan across the floor, crushing him into the far wall and washed away all evidence of his ritual circle.

As Hidan spluttered and choked, Zetsu finally arrived and proceeded with the organ harvest.

* * *

><p><strong>Picking over Hidan's newest recruits for valuables: Success<strong>

**Harvesting their organs for sale on the black market: Double success!**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Is anyone else annoyed at the number of fanfictions that depict these hardened, ruthless criminals as romantic Adonis (plural) or as cute fluffy animals? Utter shite if you ask me.<strong>


	36. Scheme 36

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #36**

* * *

><p>"As you can see, the house has magnificent views to the south and these doors all open to let in the cool breezes in summer."<p>

"Ooh. Isn't that wonderful."

"And upstairs, we have more excellent views, with the large windows giving each room a light and airy atmosphere."

"I love it."

"Yes, I have a good feeling about this one."

"Well, I'll leave you alone to make your decision."

* * *

><p>"Hey Itachi, how's it looking?"<p>

"Any moment now."

* * *

><p>"Hello there. Yes, we'll take it."<p>

"Excellent. I have the paperwork right here. Just sign your names here and we can organise the payment. You're paying in cash, aren't you?"

* * *

><p>One week later…<p>

"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?"

"I could ask you the same thing. How did you get keys?"

"I bought this house fair and square, last week."

"You did what? This house was not for sale! What have you done to my paintings?"

* * *

><p><strong>Selling people's houses while they're away on holiday: Success<strong>


	37. Scheme 37

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #37**

* * *

><p>It had taken him three hours to crack through the trap door and a further two to clear the tunnel, but Deidara didn't mind. He was bored and it had been far too long since an explosion had rocked the base.<p>

As the dust cleared away, he noted the wires hanging down from the ceiling and the pile of wood on the floor.

"Hey Tobi? Walk through there, yeah." He pointed toward the opening, silently cheering when his happy-go-lucky partner strolled through.

Unfortunately (depending on how you looked at it), it appeared that last explosion had destroyed all of the traps.

"Would you look at this!" Deidara exclaimed, staring around the room. It was a veritable treasure trove of puppet parts and concealed weaponry. He'd done it, he'd finally found Sasori's hidden workshop.

"Don't touch…never mind." He smirked as Tobi began flailing around, a broken puppet hanging around his neck, with exposed blade swinging wildly. "Just stay over there, alright, yeah."

His eyes gleamed as he began to take inventory. This was going to feed them for a month, and he knew just where to send it.

* * *

><p>"Lord Kazekage, sir. We've received a letter offering us a vast collection of spare parts and weaponry suitable for the puppet corps. Sir? Sir?"<p>

Gaara stared at the envelope, one eye twitching, "It's them again!"

* * *

><p><strong>Selling Sasori's puppet collection to Suna: Success (After Gaara goes through therapy).<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Aftermath<strong>

It was a clear, hot, dry day in Suna. There was only a light breeze. The whole of Suna's ninja corps were on standby, awaiting the Akatsuki's arrival. Sentries were posted around the city, all eyes on the horizon so that no one can sneak up on them.

Gaara stood at the top of the Kazekage's residence, arms crossed impatiently, when his hair stood up on his neck. There was a shout from the sentries on the north-east corner and his head slowly turned. He could just make out the lone silhouette of a large bird. He'd seen this brid before.

He suffered an horrific flashback, of fighting and being defeated by an awful blond man with one eye.

Deidara flew high overhead, unable to contain his laughter as he stared down at the impotent ninja of the Sand. He spied Gaara on the roof, staring up at him and offered a jaunty salute before casually kicking all of Sasori's weapons and puppets off his bird. The purchased merchandise rained down on the village as people ran for cover, screaming.

His return to Ame was marked by Konan's berating him for destroying valuable goods but Deidara didn't care. The money was already being counted by Kakuzu. Instead, he took the seat of honor as Tobi happily prepared his favourite food: reward for a scheme well played.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: The above was sent to one of my reviewers, KiyumiArashi, who asked how Deidara avoided being arrested. Now it's here for all to enjoy.<br>**


	38. Scheme 38

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #38**

* * *

><p>Sasuke walked through the marketplace, glad to have escaped Orochimaru's "hideout", if only for a few hours.<p>

Who hides out in a hole in the ground, anyway?

He wandered the streets, enjoying the fresh air and the sunshine, and the simplicity of just walking with no set destination.

Of course, something had to come up to disturb his day.

A courier jogged up the street and saw him. Sasuke wasted a second to roll his eyes, only to be surprised when the man's eyes glazed over and he ran at Sasuke and attacked.

Sasuke backed away in surprise, on the defensive until he understood what was happening. He batted away the man's hands and knocked him over. The man moved to stand and Sasuke placed his foot on his neck to stop him.

"Why did you attack me?" He asked quietly, unaffected by the physical exertion of the fight.

"You aren't strong enough, little brother." The man spoke in a deep voice, so familiar; Sasuke heard it in his dreams. His eyes widened as the man convulsed and lost consciousness.

Breaking free of the crowd that had gathered, Sasuke left the town, hurrying back to Orochimaru's hole in the ground.

* * *

><p>Over the next few months, every time he ventured out, Sasuke would be attacked, and the message was always the same. He threw himself into training, not knowing how Itachi was managing this feat, but growing incensed with each failed attack.<p>

* * *

><p>In a dark room, above a seedy bar, a man sat on a stool.<p>

"It's just so hard, finding the motivation to get up in the morning, you know?"

"Indeed." A deep voice replied, as two red, glowing eyes appeared in the dim light. "Now, listen closely. Your problems are petty and insignificant. They are irrelevant. From now on, you will live your life searching for one person: Sasuke Uchiha. You will find him. You will attack him. You will tell him, he is not strong enough."

"Ahem."

The red eyes rolled in exasperation before the voice continued, "And you will leave all of your money to the Red Dawn Orphans Fund."

* * *

><p><strong>Hypnosis Therapy: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: This scheme was suggested by fairyofthelake, probably not quite what you thinking but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I mean, who doesn't love the dysfunctional relationship between the Uchihas?<br>**

**Also, I've posted a review-inspired aftermath for the previous scheme; be sure to check it out.**


	39. Scheme 39

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #39**

* * *

><p>Tsunade sat back, staring out her window as she sipped her sake. Life was treating her good.<p>

The reason for her good humour was the sheet of paper lying on her desk; a balance sheet of transactions and interest on an account she'd created for foreign investments. She was in the black, well up on her investments and a new fund had just been made giving her a much higher interest rate.

Her luck had finally turned.

She poked her head out the window, waiting for a siren or falling messenger bird to deliver bad news, but the skies over Konoha were peaceful and the village was quiet.

She sat back once more, making herself comfortable in her seat and finished another cup of sake. Not even the door banging open behind her was enough to damage her good mood.

"Lady Tsunade! What are you doing?" Shizune wailed, "There are reports to be checked and mission scrolls to be assigned!"

"Shizune, do you ever just sit and watch the sun go down?" Tsunade asked calmly, pouring herself another cup. She smiled smugly when her assistant remained silent. The rustle of paper was all she heard, and she figured the younger woman was giving up for the day and leaving, paperwork in tow.

There was a gasp behind her and she turned to find Shizune's ashen face staring at her.

"What have you done?"

* * *

><p>Kakuzu was counting money. It was newly arrived money, from foreign lands.<p>

He sniffed it.

It smelt exotic.

In fact, he was so relaxed by the sight of so much money, he started to hum, "Hmmm, money… is a crime. Mmhmm, mmhmm, mmhmm the root of all evil today…"

"So is gambling." Hidan interrupted, his foul language absent, surprisingly. He recoiled at the sight of Kakuzu's unmasked grin of greed and delight.

"But _it's a bet you just can't lose_."

* * *

><p><strong>An Akatsuki Ponzi scheme: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>This idea was submitted by FreezaBurn12. If you don't know what a Ponzi scheme is, look it up. I did.<strong>


	40. Scheme 40

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #40**

* * *

><p>The shop was housed in an old warehouse. It was little more than a number of tables with an assortment of used goods and second hand clothing racks, with a few odd bits of furniture stacked haphazardly in the back. Few people were aware of its existence, or its location, and only a smattering of a crowd were likely to turn up.<p>

The register sat on a table near the exit; two bored looking, young men seated behind it, Hidan idly flicking through a magazine while Itachi dozed.

"Excuse me?" A woman called to them, rousing Itachi with her high pitched voice and imperious tone. From the look of her, she could afford to be shopping in trendier places than this. She held up a dark grey shirt, touching as little of the cloth as possible and waved it towards them.

"What is it?"

"Is this a blood stain?" She asked, pointing at a suspicious dark patch on the cloth.

Hidan sniggered unhelpfully, earning him a glare from his co-worker.

"No, ma'am. Why would you ask that?"

"Because there appears to be a stab hole in the shirt." She replied in a louder voice as she held it out to him.

Itachi looked at the shirt, refusing to take it from the woman and ignoring the continued sniggers from behind him. "It's wine, ma'am."

"Well, it looks like blood." She sniffed.

"Either buy the fucking shirt or get the fuck out." Hidan replied, "We don't have to listen to your fucking complaints. What the fuck are you even doing here? Don't you have a fucking garden party to ruin?"

The woman gasped in affront, threw the shirt on the floor and stepped on it as she stormed out the door. The few other customers looked around with unimpressed expressions before trickling out without buying anything.

The rest of the day passed with little business until just before sun down, when a young girl wandered in, heading directly to the table with second-hand weapons. She picked through them, selected a handful of kunai, short blades and shuriken and lugged them over to the counter.

"That'll be three hundred." Itachi stated, only to be pushed aside by his louder co-worker.

"What's a pretty, young thing like you want with all these sharp knives?" Hidan asked her leeringly

The girl blushed, idly fingering one of the kunai, "To injure people."

Hidan grinned widely, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you have all of these for one hundred."

"Really?" She asked with a bright smile, as they both ignored the sound of protest behind him,

"Sure," He smirked back, "Have to encourage the young."

The girl blushed briefly and handed over the money. She gathered up all the weapons, cast one last look at him as he winked, and scurried away.

"Well, there goes our profits."

"Shut up, Itachi."

* * *

><p>"Rental of the warehouse: eight hundred. Proceeds of sale: one hundred and fifty." Kakuzu stated, before casting a nasty glare at his colleagues, "Congratulations boys. We're back in debt."<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Thrift Store: Failure<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>This one is for Dust Bunnies Anonymous, who wanted to see them go back in debt.<strong>


	41. Scheme 41

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #41**

* * *

><p>The sounds of industry rang out amongst the buildings as great, orange barriers were raised around a large building of flats. Tall men, dressed in black robes were situated around the perimeter, preventing access to the site. Any curious passers-by were funnelled into an open area in front of the building where a stage had been set up.<p>

As they approached, each person was shaking down and forced to hand over an attendance fee.

The area began to fill up and the audience started to murmur as their confusion and impatience mounted. Then an energetic Tobi bounced onto the stage.

"Good morning Amegakure!" He shouted, "Welcome to our newest event. Today we", here he gestured to the few individuals milling around behind him, "will be demolishing this building."

He waited for the cheers from the crowds, but the audience remained silent.

He glanced over his shoulder.

Within seconds, the crowd had erupted into cheers as signs beneath the stage declared, "Cheer or die!"

"Thank you." Tobi continued, "Now, because of your generous donation to our cause, you will be able to watch as the charges are set."

A huge screen was unveiled at the back of the stage, the picture showing a dark tunnel illuminated by a bouncing beam of light.

"… just stupid, yeah. Who's going to buy that?" A voice said from off screen, and the camera panned over to look at Deidara.

His long blond hair was partially covered and flattened by an orange hard hat. It was obvious that whoever was with him, they were in close proximity. Sweat could be seen running down Deidara's shoulders and beneath the black singlet that clung to his thin frame.

The camera panned away as another voice countered, "It doesn't matter. Just get on with it."

"Blind bastard." Deidara could be heard muttering and the camera swung the other way and wobbled as a shout of pain echoed through the ten foot speakers around the stage.

"Guys, shut up. You're live." A barely audible voice whispered, followed by muttered curses and the camera swung back, bringing into view a concrete pillar.

Deidara walked over to the pillar and placed a series of small packages around the base.

The audience started to mutter again, with calls for refunds or more excitement. The sound of their jeers must have gone through their headsets, because he turned round and grabbed the camera.

"Shut up, yeah!" He yelled, his face larger than life on the screen, "This could just as easily blow you up too, yeah!"

"Get on with it!"

"Whatever!"

"This is boring!"

"Deidara, hurry up." The voice behind the camera called and the screen went blank.

The signs beneath the stage started flashing warnings, and the crowd continued to mutter as the masked man appeared on the screen once more.

"Almost ready folks," He started, only to be cut off as a massive explosion occurred behind the stage and screen. An enormous bird flew up out of the ground and hovered over the audience, Deidara standing on its shoulders, laughing manically with his hands full of mini bombs.

The bird swooped over the crowd and the bombs fell like rain over them. Small explosions were being detonated, causing injuries among the tightly packed people.

The bird was snatched from the air by a several vines and returned to the ground behind the stage, but the damage was done.

The building sagged in the middle, around the hole the bird had exited from, leaving the wings intact. The sound of multiple detonations then echoed through abandoned microphones, leaving the crowd cowering and cringing on the ground. A low rumbling followed as a tremor ran through the ground and a mass of crows exited the hole as the remnants of the building shuddered and collapsed, sending dust and debris flying.

Out of sight, a massive battle took place as crows dived on the clay bird, clay sparrows exploded in mid-air and a wave of water smashed through a web of vines; the cacophony of battle accompanied by raucous laughter, while Kakuzu sat calmly, counting their takings, fifty metres away.

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Building Demolition: Success (sort of)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: The Kisame chapter is not ready yet. Please wait patiently for next week.<strong>


	42. Scheme 42

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #42**

* * *

><p>"I'm afraid we have to let you go."<p>

Kisame slowly counted to ten. Then he counted down to one and took a deep breath. He released it, opening his mouth to say something, thought better of it and counted to ten again.

"It's not because you were no good." The manager said quickly. "As a bouncer, you're brilliant. We've had no fights since you started here. Not even during your down time."

"But?" Kisame growled, through gritted teeth.

The man shifted uncomfortably, "But our numbers are down."

Kisame managed to keep his calm by staring at the wall behind the manager's left ear. The man started to sweat, profusely.

"There's a rumour… and rumours mean a lot in this business, you see… that people are saying… well… particularly in the early morning…"

"Spit it out already!"

"Yes, well… the customers, they think… they think they're hallucinating." The man sagged in his seat, expelling all of the air in his lungs with that last statement and obviously thinking his life was at its end.

Kisame's brow furrowed but he maintained his stare at the wall.

When his existence wasn't suddenly and abruptly snuffed out, the man began breathing again and managed to continue, "Very odd, you know… seven foot tall, strange colouring and all."

Kisame frowned.

"Not strange, just different! Just different!"

Kisame switched to the wall behind the manager's right ear.

"We'll give you full severance pay, of course." The manager announced in a rush, "And compensation for the next fortnight… er month. The next month as well."

* * *

><p>"I thought you were working tonight." Hidan greeted him as Kisame walked into the room. Kakuzu looked up briefly from his account books.<p>

"No." Kisame said gruffly. He paused for a moment before continuing nonchalantly, "I got tired of working there. So I cleaned out the place and threw the towel in."

Hidan's grin suggested that he didn't believe the story for a moment, until Kisame dumped a large black bag on the table in front the Akatsuki's unofficial accountant. Wrinkled notes and grubby coins spilled out onto the table.

Kakuzu eyed the money before reaching for the bag. "Slow month, huh?"

Kisame stared at the wall passed his ear and said nothing.

* * *

><p><strong>Seven Foot Tall, Shark Man Bouncer for Nightclub: Short term success, long term failure.<strong>


	43. Scheme 43

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #43**

* * *

><p>"Did I hear something?" Kakuzu asked himself as he tried to tune out Hidan's joyful chortles. A door slammed outside and he frowned.<p>

_There's definitely somebody here_, He thought, wrapping his hand around his partner's throat and mentally rejoicing as a blissful curtain of silence fell over the room. Hidan's eyes bulged as his fingers scratched futilely against Kakuzu's hard skin.

"We have more company." Kakuzu said quietly, "Stop groaning and make yourself useful." He threw the other man down and moved toward the stairwell.

Hidan's first response was cut off when his scythe hit him in the face. Kakuzu was forced to detach his hand once more to muffle the swearing.

"Pull yourself together or I will pull you apart." He growled, hearing people above them, in the main hall.

"Father? Are you there?" A young lady's voice filtered through the floorboards.

"Yeah, old man! Hurry on out here! We need you pronto!"

The sickening sound of barely-passed-the-age-of-consent giggles grated on their ears and both men gathered their weapons as they approached the stairwell.

"We'll pay upfront!" The girl's voice rang out, echoing in Kakuzu's ears like a church bell.

"Stop!" He whispered, hauling Hidan back and almost sending him sliding away on the slick floor.

"What the fuck for?"

Kakuzu shot him a glare before creeping up the stairs to see what the young couple were after. They were standing under a ray of stained-glass light at the front of the hall; him in a black and white "t" shirt and garish tie, her with a small white veil and a mini dress that did nothing to hide the growing lump at her middle. They were cooing at each other in an appalling public display.

He backed down the stairs and glanced over at the blood soaked body of Hidan's latest victim. Then he turned to his partner.

"Take your clothes off."

Hidan's eyebrow rose and he looked him up and down, "So that's your deal." He looked away, folding his arms, "Not interested."

If he had been much younger, Kakuzu probably would have scoffed at the inference but right now, he could smell the wad of cash on the inept procreator upstairs. He shot Hidan a disgusted look, murmured, "Not if we were the last two people on the planet", and began looking for a set of robes without blood stains.

"What are you doing, you dirty old perv…"

"They want a priest and they're willing to pay." Kakuzu mumbled, pulling out a decent set of robes and foisting them at his partner. "So go upstairs and marry them!"

* * *

><p>One awkward wedding ceremony and exchange of money later, Hidan leaned against the door of the church as the "newly-weds" trundled down the road to celebrate.<p>

"That was kind of fun."

Kakuzu looked up from counting the money, "You weren't supposed to hit on her."

"Whatever."

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Marriage Celebrant: Success<strong>


	44. Scheme 44

**Fundraising Idea #44**

* * *

><p>The church stood peacefully as the people filed inside, calmly taking seats in the pews. A low murmur echoed through the structure as they waited for the service to start. A smiling couple entered, greeting people as they walked up the centre aisle to the front. There, they sat, flanked by their immediate family.<p>

A door opened off to the side and a figure stumbled through, as if he'd been pushed. He righted himself, straightening his long white robe with a grimace as he made his way to the front.

He stood before the assembly, a smirk dancing in his eyes as he began the service. He seemed to be reading from a page in front of him, the sermon following the usual pattern for such events. Although the words lacked fervour or inspiration, there was something intensely intriguing about the man that captured everyone's attention.

The couple, feeling slightly nervous, stepped up when called, cradling their child in their arms. They presented the boy to the preacher, and he glanced down at the book one last time.

When he looked up, there was a glimmer of fanaticism in his eyes and a happy, if disturbing, smile on his face.

"This child shall be blessed. He is welcomed into the fold." The man announced, shifting his hold as he turned to the front of the hall. He stamped his foot and a banner unfurled, featuring a triangle in a circle.

"I present this child to you, Lord Jash…"

The priest's words were temporarily cut off and the congregation looked on curiously, and with a tinge of worry, as he seemed to be fighting something in his throat.

"Fine. Fine!" He rasped, the red leaving his face slowly as he coughed a little. He continued in an uncaring way, "This child is blessed, welcome to the church, blah blah blah."

The parents rushed forward to take back their child as the priest casually turned and held him out, almost dropping him in the process. Ignoring the blistering glare from the child's father, the priest closed the service with, "Now get the fuck out."

The disgruntled members of the congregation filed out, shooting the occasional annoyed glare at the figure in white at the front. Barely waiting for the last one to leave, Hidan ripped off the robe and flung it to the floor, "I'm not doing this again. This one's boring!"

Kakuzu stepped out, retrieving the torn material from the floor and shaking it out. Still examining the robe and ignoring the annoyed look on Hidan's face, he stated, "You're lucky they paid in advance."

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Christenings: Success<strong>


	45. Scheme 45

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #45**

* * *

><p>The hall was filled with people dressed in black; some sad and stern, others openly weeping. A long wooden box sat on a table at the front of the hall, draped with a massive bouquet of white lilies.<p>

People were being ushered in at the back, the ushers not looking at each other, sombre expressions on their faces, their long blond and black hair tied up formally for the occasion.

Hidan saw all of this through the crack of a door behind the pulpit.

"Why the fuck am I going out there? I don't care about him, her, whatever it is."

"Didn't you read the script?" Kisame asked sharply, "I worked a long time on that." He turned away, trying to hunt up the two pages of carefully constructed notes that made up the service and eulogy.

"As well as putting him that coffin." Kakuzu grumbled, from where he was putting the final touches on Hidan's "priestly" robe, "It took me three hours to stitch him back together."

"What can I say? He fought back." Kisame replied, before lofting the discovered pages, "Now Hidan, sit down and read this."

Hidan folded his arms, intent on making this as difficult as possible, until a thin vine snaked out of nowhere and encircled his throat. His fingers tore at it as it raised him into the air, his breathing severely compromised.

"Alright!" He managed to spit out, past the garbled sounds of him choking. The vine released him and he fell to the floor, "Fuck! Give it here."

Taking the paper, he began skimming through the words, not looking up as Kakuzu helped him into the robe. He finished and turned to go when he heard a sound behind him. He glanced over his shoulder to see Kisame and Kakuzu watching him with malicious grins on their faces, even Zetsu seemed amused.

"I don't want to fucking know." He mumbled. Then he straightened his shoulders and walked out into the hall to give the service for the poor fool who had fought Samehada and lost.

The door swung closed behind him and Kisame chuckled, "That was a good touch."

"It was, wasn't it?" Kakuzu smiled.

* * *

><p>At the end of the service, in which Jashin was only mentioned once (a brief description of how unlucky the person was, not to be blessed by the deity's presence, cut off by the sight of vines slithering out from the funeral flowers), Hidan stood by the door, nodding with a bored expression as the mourners filed out.<p>

"Can we leave yet?" He whispered to Itachi, who stood next to him.

"Our presence was requested at the wake." Itachi murmured, "Tobi made the food."

A gleam entered Hidan's eyes and he smirked, only to be elbowed in the side to remind him of his surroundings. He waved off the glaring little old lady in front of him, sighing in relief as Deidara and Itachi pulled the doors closed behind him.

"Right, get me out of this and take me to the food!"

Itachi stood back, not offering to help as Hidan began struggling with the cloth.

"I've been meaning to ask about that, yeah." Deidara stated, smirking as Hidan's frustration increased. "You know it's stitched up the back, right?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Akatsuki's Complete Funeral Service:<br>**

**- Body**

**- Coffin**

**- Flowers**

**- Ushers **

**- Priest**

**- Food**

**Evaluation: Success**

* * *

><p><strong>Stay tuned for the follow-up: Akatsuki Crematorium: you kill 'em, we grill 'em.<strong>


	46. Scheme 46

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #46**

* * *

><p>Deidara breathed slowly, counting to ten to calm himself.<p>

"Bloody Itachi!" He muttered, then counted to ten once more.

Outside, a door slammed and uneven foot steps scuffed the floor, coming towards him. The room around him was cool and dark; narrow bands of light around the door hit gleaming metal, allowing him to see.

He looked up from where he knelt and exhaled.

"Now or never, yeah!"

Deidara threw a handful of clay in to the hole just as the door opened. He bolted out of the room, passing a confused Kakuzu in his hurry. He faintly heard the old man yell his name as he escaped into the sunlight.

"3…2…1…Bang!"

The building behind him exploded as Deidara chuckled, sidestepping the burning debris that was falling from the sky around him. "And they said I couldn't do it…"

His gleeful chortling ceased as a malevolent mass of black threads emerged from the wreckage. His pleased smile vanished as the mass turned towards him; Kakuzu reforming into a tower of rage.

"You owe me a heart!" He screamed as Deidara took off into the trees.

"That's why they asked Itachi to do it." Hidan sighed from where he was lying in the shade, drawing pictures in his latest victim's blood, "Fucking morons."

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Crematorium: Failure<strong>

**This is for ukwand77 who requested a Deidara chapter as the reward for leaving the 300th review. I hope you all enjoyed it.**


	47. Scheme 47

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #47**

* * *

><p>It was obvious that the guards were bored. The line was shuffling forward slowly, and security was lazily waving them through. A bored looking young man with a clipboard was asking the standard questions as each person stepped up, only to sigh and move them along.<p>

Then, like a wave, they all started to pay attention.

The next person in line had to stoop to fit through the checkpoint. Dressed in a long black cloak, with a wide brimmed, cane hat, Kisame failed to pass by inconspicuously.

"Sir, please step this way." The first guard said, hiding his grin as the rest of his work mates watched with interest. "This is a _random_ security check. I'll need to ask you a few questions."

Kisame stepped to the side and stared down at the man, mentally counting to ten as the guard ran through the usual questions.

"This area is restricted. No arms are allowed to pass. Are you carrying any weapons, sir?"

He couldn't help himself; Kisame's lips curled up in a slow, feral grin. The guard swallowed nervously, the sight of the sharp teeth gleaming in the shadow of the hat alone was enough to make him shudder.

"Sir, pl-please answer the question."

"Weapons?" Kisame spoke, his dark humour colouring his tone, "Why would I need to carry weapons?"

His hat tipped back, the light revealing the blue scales that covered his face. "I don't need any weapons, but my arms!"

He swung his arms out, the sleeves riding up his forearms and shredding on the razor-like scales. His hat toppled to the floor, revealing his elongated skull.

Though non-threatening in nature, the gesture caused all of the guards to come running and a fight broke out. The checkpoint was demolished, the line of people rapidly dispersed, and no one noticed the three "old" men, bent almost double under the weight of their baskets, as they disappeared into the city.

* * *

><p><strong>Weapons Smuggling: Success<strong>


	48. Scheme 48

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #48**

* * *

><p>The sun was setting behind the mountains as the small caravan turned the last corner of a forest track. The wide, open plain was before them, five hundred metres ahead.<p>

None of the guards heard the cautious whisper in the trees, "Is that the right one?"

They did hear an odd slithering noise, briefly, before vines shot out from the surrounding trees. Within seconds the wagon was reduced to splinters, the men lying bleeding and broken on the ground.

"Well, that was brutal." Kisame quipped as he landed, jumping from his position in a nearby tree. He crossed the clearing, sidestepping around a dying man as Zetsu approached from the opposite direction.

"Was it the right one?" Zetsu asked calmly, one eye surveying the corpse-littered ground, the other focused on the remains of the wagon.

Kisame kicked through the wreckage and unearthed a number of large sacks. A few had ripped, spilling out their contents: diamonds that shone blood red with the last rays of the sun.

"Nope, Kakuzu said crates. Three of them." He turned to look at his accomplice and grimaced, "Hungry, are you?"

Zetsu paused, muttered "My apologies." But Kisame had already turned away.

"Well, at least this is some sort of payday." He sighed, scooping up the spilled diamonds and grabbing the other sacks.

Behind him, Zetsu belched.

* * *

><p><strong>Highway Robbery: Success<strong>

**For TheGirlWithNoIQ, my only reviewer for the last chapter. Thanks for staying around. **


	49. Scheme 49

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #49**

* * *

><p>Kakuzu was fuming.<p>

"Look, I never said it would pay off straight away." Hidan said lazily, ignoring his furious partner as he lounged indolently against the wall.

"You blew my money on a scheme that wouldn't pay off?" Kakuzu growled.

"Ask the little lady, you money-grubbing heathen." Hidan replied, "I'm pretty fucking sure she'll say it was "company" money?"

"What's with the air quotes?" Itachi asked quietly from his seat across the room. "You do realise they were unnecessary?"

Kakuzu mumbled, what was probably an insult towards the zealot's intelligence and mental ability, but the words were lost in the sudden arrival of a pair of singed and smoky Akatsuki-robed ninja.

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"Senpai had an accident!" Tobi declared exuberantly, happy despite the fact that his mask was crumbling around the edges. He bent down to dust some debris from his cloak and narrowly missed the blow Deidara had aimed at his head.

"The crates?" Kakuzu asked, dreading the answer. Deidara turned a hate-filled glare on him, growled angrily and stormed away. Tobi, however, cheerfully produced a charcoal-edged piece of wood with three letters stamped in red: **TNT.**

Kakuzu's eyes widened as he pulled at his hair, "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT CRATE!"

* * *

><p><strong>Robbing the supply chain of a demolition company: Failure<strong>


	50. Scheme 50

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #50**

* * *

><p>The wooden wheels creaked as the wagon moved slowly through the foggy valley. The driver kept his eyes forward, peering ahead to keep them on the path, while his companions watched the surrounds.<p>

The crew were jumpy. The fog should have burned off by now and the extra moisture in the air was amplifying every sound. Low murmurs seemed to dog them as they continued warily; ready to defend their cargo in case of an ambush.

Suddenly, a shout rang out and a massive wave of water crashed over the wagon, sending it careening off the road and into the rock wall of the valley. The driver was thrown out, striking his head on the ground to lie motionless as the crew sprang for safety.

Standing in ankle deep water now, as the wave diminished, the men swung wildly as the mist thickened.

Another shout, this time from a visible source, as one of the men was dragged underground, the water wrapping around his legs like a vine while the ground opened beneath him.

One by one, the rest of the men disappeared into the muddy ground as the fog finally began to lift. The wagon lay smashed against the rock wall. The horse shied away as two men approached; kicking free of the traces to gallop away.

"Ah, damn. Who's going to pull the damn thing now?"

"We don't need the wagon." Zetsu replied, shifting broken pieces of wagon out of the way to reveal the prize. Three small crates lay in the wreckage of the cart, largely intact and still sealed.

_Property of Tousen Awari_ was stamped into each crate. Kisame chuckled as he picked one up. "We got the right crates this time."

* * *

><p><strong>Highway Robbery: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Woohoo! 50 Chapters! Who would have thought it?<strong>


	51. Scheme 51

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #51**

* * *

><p>Secure in the knowledge that the other, incompetent losers he was forced to work with had finally captured the goods, Kakuzu sat indolently behind the table as the merchant, Tousen Awari, fidgeted nervously.<p>

"Your payment is due today." Kakuzu said quietly.

"B-but the d-delivery… it hasn't arrived!"

"That's hardly my problem." Kakuzu replied, his tone level; his mask concealing the wicked grin of glee that would have, no doubt, terrified the poor merchant to within a shade of his life. As it was, the man paled significantly as Kakuzu rose from his seat, now towering two feet over him, and exuding danger.

"The agreement stated that the full payment is due today, regardless of the arrival or sale of your delivery."

"Please, be lenient… I'm sure it will arrive tomorrow."

Kakuzu folded his arms; as if he needed to be more intimidating, "The payment is due today."

Tousen trembled, "I don't have the money!"

Kakuzu took a threatening step forward, only to see Pein slip inside the door behind the terrified merchant.

"Fine. We'll give you three more days." Kakuzu said gruffly, "But you now owe us fifty percent interest on top, instead of twenty."

* * *

><p><em>Two days later…<em>

The sound of the bag hitting the table was like music to Kakuzu's ears; it was the heavy sound of many wads of printed paper. Yes, he could even hear the ink on the bills.

The merchant turned to leave but Kakuzu stopped him with a word. Then, in front of him, Kakuzu began the joyous task of counting the money.

"It isn't all here." He murmured quietly.

The merchant paled, "Yes, it is. The full amount I borrowed, plus fifty percent interest."

"Yes," Kakuzu smiled, "But you forgot the fee for paying it out early."

The merchant's mouth dropped, "B-but I thought the f-fifty percent…"

"Was for wasting my time two days ago. This is for wasting my time today."

"I can come back tomorrow?" The merchant offered.

"That would mean another ten percent for wasting my time tomorrow."

With a whimper, the merchant dug into his not-so-deep pockets and produced a handful of crumpled notes. Kakuzu accepted the money, smoothing each note out as he counted it. Satisfied, he waved the merchant away.

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Loan Shark: Success<strong>


	52. Scheme 52

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea # 52**

* * *

><p>"What are you smiling about?" Hidan demanded of his heretic partner, not entirely sure he wanted to know the answer.<p>

"Has anyone seen those three crates?" Kisame called through the doorway.

Kakuzu tucked his hands behind his head, relaxed back in his hammock, and smiled.

* * *

><p><strong>On selling goods, stolen from hapless merchants: Success<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Bonus points to whoever can name the inspiration for these last couple of schemes. <strong>


	53. Scheme 53

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #53**

* * *

><p>"Buy it now! Your very own Akatsuki Merchandise!"<p>

"Cloaks, hats, nail polish, even hammocks!"

"Throwing a party? Order today for your very own, specially made cakes and slices!"

"Certain members of the group available for personal appearances! Send us your enquiry!"

The screen went black, the lights flickered back on, and even through his mask, they could tell Tobi was beaming with pride.

"So, what do you think?" He asked, looking around the conference room, with what was probably a hopeful look beneath the mask.

"Tobi, what the f…."

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Merchandise: Fail<strong>


	54. Scheme 54

**Akatsuki Fundraising Idea #54**

* * *

><p>The screen flickered on, and an old style count down started from five. Muttering broke out around the darkened room but was silenced as the multi-coloured "one" was replaced by a white background.<p>

A crudely drawn, cartoon version of Deidara danced across the screen, and a round of muted laughter started, only to double in volume when both arms were suddenly hacked off.

Deidara sat fuming as the caricature of himself waved its, now reduced, arms wildly, in poor animation, crying "Boohoo! I've lost my arms! Boohoohoo!"

A much deeper voice narrated over the top of the continued wails, "Lost your limbs in battle? Never fear! With this all new "Akatsuki Magic Thread", patent pending, your limbs can be reattached, with no permanent side affects!"

The cartoon's arms reappeared and he waved them happily, shouting, "Hooray! My arms are back!"

The screen went black and the lights were switched back on to reveal Tobi beside the TV, his arms folded as he waited for, what must only be, a positive response.

"You will not be cutting off my arms as a demonstration, yeah!"

"Cutting isn't required." Kisame whispered from behind Deidara, "Pull the threads and your arms will just," He shrugged nonchalantly, "Fall off."

"Like this." Hidan said, his head resting in his lap, an evil grin on his face.

Deidara's face went ashen.

But it was Kakuzu with the loudest objection. ""Akatsuki Magic Thread", Tobi?!"

* * *

><p><strong>Akatsuki Magic Thread: Fail<strong>


End file.
